The Puke Expert

I know that I’ve written about vomit for the last 4 days, and you may be tired of reading about it. The thing is..my life has BEEN vomit for the last four days. There’s no pretty way around that. It just is what it is.

Now that I consider it, my life the last few years (11 or so) have seen a significant amount of time on my knees….umm….worshiping the great white porcelain god in the bathroom. I spend at least 3 months of every pregnancy in there. I’ve been pregnant 7 times….you do the math.

I’ve become a self-proclaimed expert on being nauseous. There are ways to make it more pleasant if you can’t make it go away. Why should my family be the only group to benefit from this knowledge?

Some helpful tips:

1. If smells are making you queasy, try carrying a lemon with you. When you start to lose it, scratch the rind and sniff. For some reason, it overpowers your gag reflex and blocks out the offending smell. Strap one under your nose and never gag again.

2. Feeling constantly nauseated? Find a comfy chair and put a heating pad on your stomach, a hot water bottle is better if you happen to have one as the pressure helps, too. The heat will relax your cramping muscles and let you rest and restore energy for your next sprint to the loo.

3. DO NOT eat saltines to battle all day nausea. They are good in the short-term, but, as they convert to sugar, they will make you sicker in the long run. You want protein. Lots of protein. You may have to gag it down at first, but trust me, it works. Some of the easiest to take is Robertson’s beef jerky. I’m not kidding here folks. You want the real thing, not the make believe that they sell at the supermarket. You can get Robertson’s on-line here.

4. Preggie pops work. Order them if you have the time. If you don’t, call your local medical supply store and stock up on sugar free suckers.

5.If you can tolerate nothing else, try a wedge of sour citrus. Start small like a lemon or a lime. Somehow your stomach won’t recognize the acid as an outsider and will let it stay. Take it slow and easy with this. An orange will not work, it’s too much sugar.

6. If you are going to be in there a lot, get a chair or stool to sit on that’s about 6-9 inches tall. A kid’s step stool works fine. It saves your back, and the low height will cut down on disgusting splash-backs.

7. If you absolutely can’t avoid the puke, then leave a glass of lemon juice and water en route to the bathroom. Chug it as you run. It won’t keep you from hurling, but the acid of the lemon will mask the stomach acid flavor and make it more palatable.

It’s a tried-and-true list. I’ve spent almost two years of my life battling morning sickness. That kind of time is bound to teach you something. It’s just not an area of knowledge that I get to share very often. It’s like knowing about child-birth and baby poop, it’s valuable knowledge, but you can’t discuss it at dinner parties. I wish that I was an expert about things which could be discussed at dinner parties, things like hang-gliding.