Coming Into Our Own

For years, our sweet #4 has wanted nothing more than anonymity.  She liked to sit quietly on the outskirts of a room and observe the action and wish for invisibility.  Every so often, we would see flashes of self-confidence only to watch her shy self reappear.

Then we moved.

Without the social safety net of the friends and family who had surrounded her with shelter for the whole of her life, she was forced to put on her game face and walk bravely out our door to actually talk to strangers.  It has been excruciating for her.  It took her 11 tries before she made it all the way across the street to meet the neighbor’s children.  It took the determined tug of her younger brother’s hand to pull her out to the cul de sac where the kids were all riding bikes.

Her eyes still well with tears when faced with meeting new people, but she has decided that dollhouse is more fun to play with other people, so she breathes deeply and keeps trying until she gets there.

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I learn so much from watching this girl face her fears head on.  Watching her teaches me so much about how to tackle my own.  Like many women, I hate to disappoint people, I agonize over saying “no”, and I cry if I think I’ve hurt someone’s feelings.  I’m a people-pleaser who will sacrifice what I want or what is in my own best interest if it means avoiding conflict.

When did I become so afraid?

There was a time in my life when I was fearless.  A time when I did and said what I thought needed to be done and the devil take the consequences.  As a result, I stepped on a lot of toes and hurt a lot of feelings, so I retreated to the opposite end.  I began agreeing to things for which I had no time, scheduled activities in which I had no interest, planned things for which I had no money or energy.  It was madness.  There has to be a middle ground.

I have come to the conclusion that always saying yes isn’t a good option either, so I am learning to say no.  It is almost physically painful for me.

Last week a mom from my eldest daughter’s cheerleading squad asked me to be the chairman for the winter dance which is 2 weeks after #7 is due.  My first reaction was to say yes even though my stomach sank at the thought.  When I said ” I can’t” I immediately began to give her a litany of all the reasons why as I silently prayed she would understand.  She cocked her head to the side and said “I don’t need an explanation, if you can’t then you can’t.”

It was in that moment that I realized an important truth.  The word “no” is a complete sentence.  I don’t owe people an explanation.  The fact that I have thought about things and decided to say “no” should be enough.  I say it kindly, but I say it firmly and guess what?  People aren’t offended.  They simply nod their heads and accept my answer.  It has caused all kinds of freedom in our family schedule, the ability to say “no”.

It’s still hard for me though.  I still worry about the disapproval.  I’m still a little afraid of making them angry.

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I asked my daughter where she finds the courage to walk across the way to meet new people.  “I pray, Mommy” she answered.  “Then I take a breath and tell myself that they probably won’t kill me because most people don’t do that.  Then I pretend to be brave like you and I just do it.”

Bless her little heart, the sweet thing.  I don’t think I’ll tell her how scared her mommy can really be.

Her method works though.  I’ve tried it.  I take a deep breath to calm the knots in my stomach, and then let it out slowly.  I say a little prayer for courage, peace and to be kind even when I can’t be accommodating.  I remind myself that most people won’t kill me, at least not in broad day light or a crowded room. Then, I pretend to be brave.  I try to be as brave as my small daughter who works on it daily and isn’t afraid to fall short in the attempt.  It may take me dozens of tries to rediscover my boldness, only this time I pray I have learned the kindness to temper it.

How fortunate I am to have such an example to show me the way.