Crying Uncle

Her rheumatoid arthritis flared up a few months ago, eventually spreading to 14 joints in her legs and feet. The holiday of remission was over and we resumed her weekly shots and medications. A month in and she was down to only her left knee, foot, and ankle in flare…stubbornly so. Her knee is obviously deforming. I can see that already even after a few weeks. It’s hot to the touch and so fluid filled that the contours of her kneecap have disappeared. She has developed a noticeable limp and I keep praying that it’s due to the tightness of her knee joint and not because the wild growth from inflammation has made her left leg longer than her right. It is shocking how quickly deformities can happen in her young body.

Then this  Wednesday she took an unexpected turn for the worse. It was no longer her joints which were causing pain, but the weakness of her muscles. She teared up that morning and said her legs didn’t feel strong enough to carry her. I looked for new signs of swelling, but saw nothing new. By Friday afternoon she was holding the walls and furniture to walk anything further than a few steps, and I could see them buckling underneath her. That evening they gave out completely and she collapsed in a heap on the ground. While she hasn’t fallen again, she remains unsteady and her temperature is elevated but not quite feverish.

What is going on? Is this more arthritis or something new? Is it a side effect of her medication or is her body deteriorating? I have no answers, only questions….only fears and uncertainties.

We see our family doctor tomorrow, but I know he will be stymied too. The visit to him will just be a formality. He has been as upfront about his ignorance of JRA as he has been willing to learn. We have become a team where it concerns her healthcare, trading information and resources. We are both running to gain knowledge about her disease, but we always seem a step behind. 

Once he has seen her, we can schedule an appointment with the rheumatologist. With luck we will see her within the next two weeks. Then will begin the testing and work to bring her back to health.

And we’re tired….the whole family but mostly me and #4. Her from her disease and me from the emotional an physical toll of the past few weeks. All I want is a few weeks of calm….time to heal body and soul.

I’ve been running on fumes for a while now, and need desperately to recharge or I won’t have the strength to be the mom they all need for me to be, but especially the mom she desperately needs right now.

How I long for the quiet of an empty church with no company but my Creator. I need the strength to be weak enough to lean into His comfort and be still. I’m longing for comfort in the midst of the storm….all I want is a moment of peace in which to cry uncle and tell Him I’ve had enough, that this is my limit and I can’t take any more. To hand it all over to Him and let Him carry us all…if only I could could catch my breath long enough to say it.

**Please don’t use this as an opportunity to promote your favorite diets or health fads. Do you really think there’s a chance we haven’t tried them yet?