I Just Want to Eat a Bagel

Three weeks or so into Lent, and the shininess has worn off of the eating the Paleo way. The first two weeks were not so hard. I like meat. I like vegetables. Its wasn’t too hard to eat only that plus some fruit. It was new  and a bit exciting to figure out recipes and plan new meals. It was almost like play. I was “flexing my self-control muscles for God” and succeeding with great ease.

But now I want a bagel and this is suddenly hard.

I’ve tried not thinking about them, but they call to me. The feel of the crust, the chewiness of the inside…the smell of the dough…I just want a bagel.

This is hard.

I keep telling myself that the hard is what makes it great, that that’s how I know it’s a sacrifice. The truth is that I’m a light-weight. I haven’t had to actually give up food in years. The constant rounds of pregnant, then nursing, then pregnant again have meant that for many years now I’ve made other — less difficult — sacrifices.

Giving up Facebook last year was sort of hard because my friends are there. Giving up food is a whole new level of difficult.My comfort is there. Food, especially bread types of food, is how I soothe myself. They are where I turn when life is stressful and I’m completely overwhelmed. A fresh baked loaf of bread, and all is right with the world. (well, maybe only half of the loaf….eaten over a whole day….she says as though somehow that’s better)

It’s how I know that I’ve given up the right thing at last. Food is my comfort and my joy. Which is just all kinds of wrong. It’s become my solace, and everything that my God should be to me. That’s what an addiction is. It’s putting something in the place where God should be.

I’m doubling down my efforts from now until Easter, and trying to figure out what to do after that. Because there’s a monkey on my back and its name is “Carbs.” I’m not sure I can hang with the carbs once this is over, because its siren song is almost too strong to resist.

Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst.  –John 6:35