Can I Just Be Honest Here?

****I try very hard not to complain about being pregnant.  I have been reminded too often by the people I love that this is a gift and that complaining about it is ungrateful, but sometimes saying nothing is dishonest.*******

I hurt.  


My hips ache.  I can feel the ball of the hip joint move in the socket and grind against the hip bones.  The larger the baby gets, the more the joint loosens.  When I walk from one place to another, I figure out my routes based upon what there is to lean on in case I need to rest on the way.  It’s not just my hips, my right shoulder does the same grinding loose thing as does one of my elbows.  My joints ache like an 80 year old woman.  I’m only 36.

If these didn’t make moving hard enough, I have Braxton-Hicks contractions non-stop when I move.  Lying on the couch with a huge glass of water, they quiet down.  If I stand up, my belly tightens up instantly.  The books will tell you that they aren’t painful, but they are their own brand of discomfort for sure, especially when they come non-stop one on top of the other the entire time I am vertical.  They may not be the real thing, but my muscles constantly ache from them.

My husband no longer hugs me close for fear of hurting me.   I can’t sleep as the discomfort keeps me awake most of the night.


I don’t want to do this again.  Am I allowed to say that out loud? Or in writing even?  I feel as if being that honest betrays some sort of Catholic moms of big families pact that we never voice our dissatisfaction with anything about this life to outsiders.  If I have to say it or even think it at all, I should tell my best friend and only in ashamed and whispered tones.  

I have told her this before.  Often.


I love my children and consider each one a blessing, but I hurt and I don’t like hurting.  I’m exhausted and I’m tired of the fatigue. I don’t want to do this again.


My secret fear through the past 7 months has been that I will need a c-section, not because of the surgery itself but because of the question they ask you before they wheel you into the OR.  “Are we tying your tubes while we’re in there?”  I want to say yes.  With every bit of my body, I want to say yes.  Cut them.  Burn them.  Tie them.  Whatever you have to do.  I don’t want to do this again.


My soul screams NO!  My flesh begs yes.


My soul aches to trust in God.  I have often said, and truly believe, that putting God in charge of your life means putting Him in charge of all of it….not just the parts it’s easy to trust Him on.


Tomorrow is 31 weeks and she is breech.  I don’t need anyone to tell me that.  I can feel the round knobby-ness of her head up by my rib cage, and all her kicking tap-dances across the inside of my pelvis.  This is the way God works, isn’t it?  When we say to Him “Please spare me from this test, it is too much for me.” He smiles and hands exactly that to us.  He gives us the strength to come through it, but He hands us the test we fear the most.

I hurt and I don’t want to do this again.  That’s the honest truth of it.  The belly may be cute.  The baby will be worth it…but can this be the last one?

I’m weary and in pain and I can see the huge temptation that lies ahead.  The spirit is willing…the flesh really is weak.  Luckily, the soul has help.  I just have to remember to keep asking for it.