The Mistake That’s Wrecking Marriages and Families

You’re standing in the kitchen, cutting crusts off a PB&J while your spouse silently scrolls their phone in the other room… for the fifth night in a row. The kids are loud, the dog needs out, and connection feels like a distant memory. Sound familiar? In today’s world of snack schedules and soccer practice, it’s easy to slip into child-centered parenting without even realizing it. But here’s the surprising truth: Putting your kids before your spouse might be doing more harm than good, not just to your marriage, but to your children’s emotional and relational health, too.

So, here’s a question that pops up more than a toddler at 1 a.m. after a juice box: Should your children come before your spouse? Before we move on, let me warn you, I agree with Owen Strachan, who wrote, “I’ve been surprised at the amount of secular-seeming, child-centered, sin-gratifying parenting I’ve seen in the evangelical community.”

Let me explain before you sharpen your pitchfork or prepare a nastygram response.

Many well-meaning parents, usually the exhausted, guilt-ridden kind, say, “Of course! My kids come first! They need me. They’re fragile. They can’t microwave their own chicken nuggets!”

Yes, kids need care, attention, and about a million snacks a day. But what if this instinct to put your kids before your spouse is cracking the very foundation your kids rely on most: your marriage?

Let’s talk facts. Not feelings. Not Facebook memes. Facts.

The Research Doesn’t Lie

Dr. John Gottman (basically the LeBron James of marriage research) has spent decades studying what makes relationships work. He’s not guessing. He’s measuring, analyzing, and running stats like a marriage nerd.

And here’s what he found: The quality of the parents’ relationship is the single most significant predictor of a child’s emotional health, academic success, and future relationships.

Read that again. Slowly.

He also discovered that even in child-focused homes, if there’s a lot of conflict between parents, the kids are more likely to struggle with anxiety, depression, and trust issues later in life. Yikes.

So, while it may feel like you’re helping your kids by putting them front and center, you might be undermining what they need most: a united, healthy, and happy marriage between Mom and Dad.

Why a Strong Marriage Matters

Here’s the simple truth: A strong marriage is one of the best gifts you can give your children.

When your marriage thrives, it sets the tone for everything else in your home. But when your kids become the sun around which your family orbits, you end up with what experts call child-centric parenting.

Sounds noble, but here’s what it usually leads to:

• Marital dissatisfaction: Studies show that couples who overly focus on their children often report lower satisfaction in their relationship over time.
• Unintentional pressure on kids: Kids aren’t supposed to carry the emotional weight of their parents’ connection. That’s not love; it’s stress.
• A fading marriage: Once the kids are grown and gone, many couples look at each other and realize they haven’t actually “been married” in years, just co-parenting roommates.

This Isn’t About Neglect. It’s About Order.

Let’s be clear: this isn’t a call to ignore your children. (Put down the CPS phone call, Chris.)

It’s about alignment. Healthy families operate with a clear sense of priority: Marriage first. Parenting second. This is the picture depicted in Scripture where a marriage creates a new primary relationship—one that even supersedes the parent-child bond.

Child-centric parenting also risks creating an entitlement mentality in your kids, where they believe they are the center of everything. News flash: they are not.

Why is this a big deal? Because kids thrive and become better, well-balanced humans in environments where love is modeled well, where Mom and Dad are connected, and where home doesn’t feel like a constant power struggle or emotional vacuum.

Does this mean skipping a newborn’s 2 a.m. feeding because you went on a date night? No. That’s dumb. Don’t do that.

And that doesn’t mean ignoring your teens or never spending time with them one-on-one.

But it does mean carving out intentional and quality time to connect with your spouse as a partner, a lover, and a teammate. You are far more than a co-parent.

The Big Takeaway

Your marriage isn’t competing with your parenting; it’s fueling it. Prioritizing your spouse isn’t selfish. It’s strategic and smart.

It tells your children:

• “Love is secure.”
• “Commitment matters.”
• “You’re part of something bigger than yourself.”

When you build your marriage, your children will flourish in its shelter.

So tonight, after the Legos are picked up and the meltdowns subside, maybe check in with your spouse, not about homework or soccer schedules but about each other.

Trust me, your kids will thank you. (Probably not today. But maybe someday, when they’re sitting in premarital counseling and they amaze the pastor with their ability to communicate well. A skill they learned by watching you.)

I’d love to hear from you—seriously.

Drop a comment below and let’s start a conversation. Your thoughts matter, and they might just encourage someone else as well.

Want more stories, hope, and honest insights? You can find me on X and Facebook, or delve deeper into my heart and writing on my website.

My books are available too, if you’re curious (or just need something to read with your coffee).