How to Heal After a Church Leader Lets You Down

Let’s have a little heart-to-heart, shall we? Some of you have given up on God, church, or both because someone who represented God let you down. Maybe it was a pastor who fell hard. Maybe a church leader said something stupid (it happens more than I’d like to admit). Maybe someone in the pews was judgmental and harsh with you, not at all like Jesus.

So, you walked away. You ghosted the Church. You’re out there living your “spiritual but not religious” life, sipping lattes on Sunday, watching church on YouTube (when it fits your vibe), and justifying it all by saying, “Well, I still believe in God. I just don’t do organized religion anymore.”

Okay. Take a deep breath.

I get it. People fail. Leaders fail. Heck, I’m a card-carrying member of the Fellowship of the Flawed. And when a leader lets us down, we can get grumpy.

Take Sally, for example. She was all in and went to church every Sunday, volunteered in the nursery, hosted a small group, and even made gluten-free muffins because she’s a saint like that. But then her pastor, the one who baptized her kids and preached on faithfulness twice a year, had an affair, and the fallout was ugly. Sally was devastated. She didn’t just feel betrayed; she felt spiritually sucker punched. So, she did what many do. She walked out, quietly at first, then loudly on Facebook. “I’m done with church,” she posted. “Tired of the hypocrisy.” And honestly, I understand her pain. That kind of betrayal cuts deep. But that wasn’t the end of Sally’s story.

More on that in a second.

After I retired from forty years of ministry in October of 2022 and having barely survived the COVID era of church hell, I went through a horrible season myself. I felt a bit aimless and unsure about what I would do with the rest of my life. Then I went through a divorce in 2023 (I’ve written about that here), and my heart broke, literally, as I was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy.

I was a mess, and many former friends and parishioners sent me texts and emails expressing their disappointment in me. Sadly, several said something to the effect, “I will never trust another Church leader or attend another church again.” That nuked me for a while, adding more shame to my already guilty conscience. It also frustrated me because I never asked to be put on a pedestal and, in fact, regularly told people not to do so.

Growing up in the Church and having been around a lot of leaders for a long time, I’ve seen far too many self-destruct. I knew any one of us is only one bad decision away from disaster, so I always told people that I walked with a limp.

I did then; I still do now.

Frankly, the church is full of broken people, led by broken leaders, trying to represent a perfect God, and sometimes we royally screw that up. But hear me clearly: God doesn’t fail us. People do. And using someone else’s failure as your excuse to disobey God? That’s not a good look. The Bible doesn’t say, “Don’t forsake gathering together… unless Kurt lets you down.” It just says, Don’t forsake gathering together. Period.

If you’re looking for a reason to do your own thing, you’ll find one. We all can. But let’s not pretend that walking away from the Body of Christ is some holy act of protest. It’s just disobedience with a halo.

Now, back to Sally. After a couple of years of wandering the “wilderness of wounded believers” (her words, not mine), she slowly returned. It wasn’t dramatic. No angels singing. No spotlight from heaven. Just an invitation from a friend to visit a small church that met in a high school gym. She showed up, arms crossed, heart guarded. But something shifted. Someone else asked how she was really doing and waited for an honest answer. She cried through most of the worship. Not because it was amazing (the worship leader was a little pitchy), but because it felt like home. A messy, imperfect, grace-filled home.

So maybe it’s time to stop blaming the hypocrites (they’re everywhere, BTW), stop expecting perfection from pastors (they’re not Jesus), and start taking responsibility for your own walk with God.

Because at the end of the day, people will fail you.

But God?

He never has. He never will.

So, get back to the gathering of the saints who often are not very saintly. Come home to the messy, broken Body of Christ. You might just find grace and healing in the very place you once ran from.

And if I was the reason you walked away from the Church, I’m sorry. Truly. But maybe it’s time to let go of your disappointment and walk in forgiveness and grace.

I’ll finish with this question for your consideration: Where do we best learn about forgiveness, grace, and mercy? In a perfect church with perfect leaders and perfect people?

Nope. We grow most when we rub shoulders with people who are far from perfect and who often let us down. That is where we have an incredible opportunity to develop compassion and practice grace. As Michelle Van Loon wrote, “Sometimes failure is a beautiful gift wrapped in an ugly package.”

Perhaps, God didn’t put you in the body of Christ because everybody there has their poop in a group, but instead, because that’s where you learn best how to be more like Jesus.

And hey, if you’re looking for a church with no problems, the perfect pastor, and spotless people, let me save you the trouble; it doesn’t exist and never will. Not on this side of eternity. And it’s okay, God has a pretty good track record of working through people broken people in need of redemption, restoration, and renewal.

Please leave a comment below, and let’s engage in a conversation.

You can find out more about Kurt Bubna and his writing on Twitter and Facebook. You can read more about his views and insights, both in his books and on his website.