How Do You See Other People?

I recently came across a study on how companies retain their employees. The prestigious consulting firm, McKinsey, performed a study in 2021. They asked a number of company managers for the reason their employees would typically leave the firm. Most of these managers just assumed that people were leaving in order to get higher pay. But when the McKinsey researchers asked the employees themselves why they’d left, the top reasons were relational. They didn’t feel recognized and valued by their management and organizations. They did not feel seen or appreciated.

In his wonderful book, How to Know a Person, David Brooks says that we are either diminishers or illuminators.

Diminishers make people feel small and unseen. They see other people as things to be used, not as persons to be befriended. They stereotype and ignore. They are so involved with themselves that other people are just not on their radar screen.

Illuminators, on the other hand, have a persistent curiosity about other people. They have been trained or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others. They know what to look for and how to ask the right questions at the right time. They shine the brightness of their care on people and make them feel bigger, deeper, respected, lit up.

Many years ago, executives at Bell Labs realized that some of their researchers were far more productive, and amassed many more patents, than the others. Why was this? they wondered. They wanted to know what made these researchers so special. They explored every possible explanation—educational background, position in the company—but came up empty. Then they noticed a quirk. The most productive researchers were in the habit of having breakfast or lunch with an electrical engineer named Harry Nyquist. Aside from making important contributions to communications theory, Nyquist, the scientists said, really listened to their challenges, got inside their heads, asked good questions, and brought out the best in them. In other words, Nyquist was an illuminator.

The question I would leave you with is, when you spend time with people, do they feel diminished or illuminated? The answer to that question may well determine how well you succeed in life.

Richard E Simmons III is the founder and Executive Director of The Center for Executive Leadership and a best-selling author.