A Most Uneventful Apocalypse

THE APOCALYPSE, IN FIFTEEN POINTS:

1. Tim Tebow has been released from the New England Patriots football team while their star tight-end, Aaron Hernadez, writes $18,000 letters from his prison cell. Not exactly Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandela, but encouraging news nonetheless that the literary genre survives.

2. Michael Voris is not impressed, again. “This is outrageous,” says Voris, “NFL players are severely overpaid; how am I the only one who sees this?” He went on, saying, “Hernandez’ last football contract was well over a quarter of a million dollars, which is WAY too much, and now this?” He made these remarks while his coveted and talented and amateur video-editing team worked on his latest militant message in exchange for donated McDonalds dollar menu items.

3. Obama has a multibillion-dollar military industrial complex at his private disposal and, sometimes, war means war.

4. The Brits met about Syria yesterday, and the comparison makes the US look exceptional. Rumors report that the Brits are jealous of our freedom; and, as usual, the French say, “Pas de problème!”

5. Meanwhile, Syrians wait to see if they will get their clocks cleaned by domestics or imports.

6. After much haggling and hullabaloo, Miley Cyrus’ father has decided to capitalize off her infamous foam crotch scratcher, in an auction to hire a full-time therapist and life-coach for his innocent little angel. (Rumor has it that the aforementioned Voris has applied for this position, but doesn’t stand a chance to get it, which will soon cause him to involuntarily criticize Cyrus for being a “professional musician.”)

7. During the first half of Texas A&M vs. Rice, Johnny Manziel tweeted from the A&M bench that he is excited to sign seven hundred autographs after the game. Voris rushed to his defense, with medieval sword in hand, because Manziel didn’t take any money.

8. Ave Maria University will host an ecumenical symposium on the question, “Why do bad things happen to Tim Tebow?”

9. New Atheists are delighted because Tebow’s dismissal disproves the best argument made for God’s existence to emerge until Joel Osteen’s recent purchase of a 10.5 million dollar home.

10. Richard Dawkins tweeted, “I find it odd that those who reject Darwin R so quick to embrace Social Darwinism.” Osteen’s publicist replied, saying, “When you feel down and out, God knows that you’re up and in.” When asked about Voris’ critical stance against high salaries, Osteen’s camp was flummoxed and replied, “Michael who? Who is that?”

11. Notre Dame University canceled its own symposium on the question, “Why did Obama turn out to be bad person after all?,” after Slate posted a very thoughtful essay by Alison Benedikt revealing that Obama’s bad personhood is a direct result of his choice to send his children to private schools.

12. Obama defended himself saying, “I send my children to the Sidwell Friends School because of the immense respect I have for Quakers, a religion of peace and justice, this also explains my well-known opposition to war — after all, I am a Nobel Peace Prize laureate.”

12. Superintendant of schools of the City of Metropolis confirmed Benedikt’s report saying, “We do not struggle with classrooms being too full, and could really use thousands more students in our wonderfully staffed schools.” She added, “we also love to hire teachers from large public institutions, we find that they are better prepared and very bright, especially when compared with graduates of selective private institutions.”

14. A principal of a small, rural school also agreed in an e-mail. He wrote, “There are no private schools within hundreds of miles here, and everyone attends the same public school system. It’s about time someone realizes that we are doing everything right. Those fancy private schools like Phillips Andover and Exeter ain’t got shit on us.” Plus, they’re district champs.

15. The irredeemable scandal of the casting decision of the next Batman movie has faded and I cannot remember anything anymore.