The Apocalyptic Wheels Go Round and Round

Your weekly apocalypse, in nine points:

1. The US House of Representatives voted 400-1 to allow religious services at the numerous worldwide locations of the American military industrial complex.

2. No one knows who voted against the bill, but rumor has it that it was an observant Quaker who lacks a sense of absurdity.

3. Alabama (4-0) beats Georgia State (0-4) 45-3 with their training staff.

4. Pope Francis is set to interview himself next week, on psychoanalysis, confession, and dry vs. wet cereal — Catholic bloggers await.

5. All major media outlets hope the government shutdown keeps going, at least until the next school shooting or till Miley Cyrus does something ridiculous.

6. A bumpersticker changed someone’s mind about something important.

7. The weekly apocalypse didn’t come last week.

8. A Havard social science study finds that there was more real outrage about the most recent NHL lockout than the present government shutdown.

9. In the aftermath of Breaking Bad, the American High School Chemistry Teachers Association have decided to hire marketing consultant Matthew Kelly, to help rehabilitate their tarnished reputation.