A Valentine’s Day Poem Massacre

A Valentine’s Day Poem Massacre February 14, 2016

David ogling Bathsheba as she wore the latest Renaissance fashions.
David ogling Bathsheba as she wore the latest Renaissance fashions.

Dale McGowan penned a sweet, secular love letter to his wife for Valentine’s Day in his latest post. Typically, I wrote a bad poem.

It’s deliberately bad…honest. The poems started years ago because I couldn’t find any unsappy Valentine’s Day cards. I thought, “I could do worse than this.” And a satirical tradition was born.

When the tradition started, I hadn’t written a poem since I was a teenager. One of the poems I wrote then appears in the new atheist poetry collection Filling the Void (available in paperback or ebook for KindleNook, and Kobo). [I should note that I receive no cash from the sale.] Filling the Void was edited by A Tippling Philosopher‘s Jonathan MS Pearce.

Jonathan chose not to mention that I was only 14 when I wrote my atheist poem, What a Foolish Race Are We. I can’t imagine why….

At any rate, since the theme of my latest bad Valentine’s Day poem is absurd biblical stories, I thought I would share it with you.




May my heart be your burnt offering,

To the benevolent God of love.

You are my Original Sin.

O’ curse me not, my love,

For the tree of my heart will always bear fruit.

I will always give a fig for you.

Our bond is tighter than the seams of Noah’s ark,

Battered by the child-strewn waters.

Our love will set the world on fire.

You are my Lot,

And I am your pillar,

For I am the salt of your love.

Do not built a tower away from my heart,

Just-so stories high.

For ours is the language of love.

Let bears rend asunder mockers,

Of my love’s ever-shining pate.

They’re to-pay their peace.

Like Abraham with his knife,

Your heart never wavers.

You slay me with your love.

Maybe you can do better (or worse). It’s fun! Post your own bad biblical/romantic verse in the comment section below.

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