One hundred percent of marriages hit hard spots. And half of them end in divorce. If your happily-ever-after is starting to crumble, and you find yourself asking “When is divorce the right answer?” ask yourself different questions instead.
When I coach women who are struggling in their marriages, I often advise them to ask themselves the same hard questions I asked myself when I thought divorce was the answer.
It’s easy to look at what my husband is not doing and complain.
Women initiate divorce far more often than men these days. Many times we feel our husbands are defective or they’ll never change.
For years, I felt like I did everything–the cooking, the cleaning, the disciplining, the planning–and he was only a paycheck. If my husband was only a paycheck, I thought divorce was the right answer. He could’ve easily put a check in the mail.
I complained and criticized. I decided I’d made a bad decision in marrying him. I couldn’t remember why I was initially attracted to him because at the time, I didn’t even like him.
If my husband was only a paycheck, divorce was the answer
My husband is more than a paycheck. And yours probably is, too.
Divorce may not be the best solution. If you get into another relationship, you’ll discover your guy is more “normal” than you thought he was.
Most people have thought about divorcing one time or another.
Even though your husband may not be doing everything as you’d like him to do, he adds a dimension to your life you can’t get any other way.
Instead of getting rid of my husband, I decided to ask myself if I was doing everything I could to make my marriage work. I wasn’t.
When I started asking myself hard questions, something in my marriage changed. Mostly with me. As a result of asking myself hard questions, I started making small changes. But they made a huge difference in my marriage. I started treating my husband differently.
And he changed. He became more attentive. He listened more. I started to like him again. A lot.
You may feel like he’ll never change, but quitting may not be the solution.
I wasted too much time focusing on what was wrong with my husband and not enough time on what he did right.
Instead of asking yourself if you should divorce, ask yourself “Am I doing everything I can to improve my marriage?”
Asking hard questions takes your focus off the problems and puts it on solutions. When your marriage feels hard, it’s easy and even natural to want to find someone or something to blame.
But the only behavior you can change is your own. And you can start by asking hard questions.
Instead of asking “When is divorce the right answer?” ask yourself these questions instead:
- Am I giving my marriage 100 percent?
- How often do I let my husband know I appreciate him?
- Do I listen to my husband instead of trying to be heard?
- How often do I speak encouraging words to my husband?
- How often do I give my husband the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping to a conclusion?
Need skills to build intimacy?
- Get on the waitlist for my next group coaching session–Change Your Mind; Change Your Marriage.
- “Like” my Facebook page and join my private Facebook group.
- Check out my FREE resources and get “How to Be A Wife No Man Will Ever Want to Leave” Challenge!
- Apply for private coaching with Sheila.
Also known as the Not So Excellent Wife, Sheila Qualls understands how tiring a tough marriage can be.
She went from the brink of divorce to a thriving marriage by translating timeless truths into practical skills. She’s helped women just like you get the marriages they yearn for.
She and her husband Kendall live in Minnesota. They have five children and a Black Lab named Largo.
In addition to coaching, Sheila is a member of the MOPS Speaker Network. Her work has been featured on the MOPS Blog, The Upper Room, Grown and Flown, Scary Mommy, Beliefnet, Candidly Christian, Crosswalk.com, The Mighty and on various other sites on the Internet.