So I says to God, I says . . .

So I says to God, I says . . . September 10, 2015

mad mama

The following story is not for the squeamish.

You may have noticed that I haven’t written much this week. This is mainly because I, and several members of my family, have been hit hard with a bug that is taking its sweet time meandering its way through our intestines. In short, we have turned into incredible pooping machines. I seriously didn’t know it was possible to poop this much and still function, but there you go. The baby, of course, has it too, which means that I’ve been spending most of my waking moments racing back and forth between the bathroom and the diaper box. (No, she’s not getting dehydrated.)

Friends, it is all shit, all the time.

Then, a few days ago, one of the little guys messed with the dog’s electric fence transmitter, and the poor dummy got zapped just for coming out of his crate. So he got all shell shocked, and refused to go outside. This went on for a little too long, and the inevitable just happened: he crapped all over the house, and his crate, and his giant spongy cushion, and everything.

So, like the reasonable adult I am, I hollered and screamed at him, threw him outside, and cleaned up the mess. Picked up the shrieking baby, sat down to nurse her, and what do you know? She pooped all over my lap.

At this point, I did what any pious housewife would do. I yelled at God, “YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?”

And He said, “Yeah, go to confession, dummy.”

FINE. Some people need to be drowned in poop before they even start looking for a shovel.

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  • Chris W

    No one said it’s easy…

    Just worth it.

    Praying for you All!

  • MC. D.

    Oh boy. My baby’s an incredible pooping machine this week too. I can barely manage it with just the one!

  • Eileen

    Have you tried probiotics? Seriously. Not those pearl things. Bigger pills. Here’s a good list.

    I take them every single day and encourage my family to as well. Even my husband – who likes to tease me about my pill popping – admits they’re little miracles for diarrhea and general stomach upset. I go further and say they prevent colds.

    • Igotfreshmilk

      The absolute best source of probiotics, in fact the source from which all those pills ultimately derives, is fresh, unpasteurized milk. I strongly recommend drinking it daily.

  • my sympathies!

  • Whitewaterlily

    Ha – poop! We had some bug around here, too. It wasn’t half as bad as your’s, though. (We don’t keep a dog.) But today I discovered (around noon), that my two year old had pooped into the bidet (some time in the morning)…

    Btw. Is it a new picture? You look like you have lost weight and your hair looks really beautiful in it!

    • simchafisher

      Ha, no, it’s an old picture. I’ve since gotten fatter and chopped off my hair. But THANKS. Thanks a lot. (Ha.)

      • Whitewaterlily

        Dear Simcha, I am sorry! I wanted to complement you, not offend you. It was probably thoughtless to comment, since I wasn’t sure whether it was a not so recent picture anyway.

        I just looked up “ha” in the urban dictionary and discovered that it carries a meaning I did not want to express… (English is not my native language.) I shouldnt’t use words I don’t really know.

        Actually, I just wanted to cheer you up. Messed it up. )-: Sorry.

        • simchafisher

          Aw, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad! I did take it as a complement. My hair looked FANTASTIC that day, which is why I took a picture, heh heh.
          No hard feelings at all, and thank you for your kind words! I was just being silly.

          • Whitewaterlily

            Then I’m relieved, I didn’t really offend you! Thanks!

            It often happens to me (the other way around). People usually ask what my due date is and I am still indecisive how I best explain that I’m not pregnant, just fat (I seem to store all I gain in my abdomen – I’m still figuring whether I want to regard it as an advantage or as a disadvantage). I am accustomed to it now, but people usually feel embarrassed when they have asked me…

        • Meredith

          Every word in English signifies a deviant sex act according to urban dictionary.

          • Whitewaterlily

            Really? Where does it say that?

  • Rebecca Fuentes

    I’ve looked like that every day this week–and we don’t have the poop. And your hair looks better than mine.

  • Mark.

    Was it Marcus Grodi who went outside and prayed to God for help and got crapped on by a bird? I think so. Probably others too.

  • Melissa G.

    Well that just stinks (pun intended)! I hope you all feel better soon.

  • jen

    (in a George Takei voice*

    oh myyyy…

  • Lisa Twaronite

    If I were devout, I would tell you to “offer it up.” But I’m not, so instead I’ll tell you to think of the silver lining, all the calories you’re burning!
    Anyway, I hope you all feel better soon.

    • anna lisa

      I think about the calories too.
      My daughter and I high five each other and compare how many pounds we lost. But it always ends up being water weight.

  • anna lisa

    We had that too!!!!!
    (But it didn’t seem as funny as your story)
    Must be a Norovirus

  • Yvonne Hilton


  • Barbara Bowman

    My daughter, her two kids (ages 2 and 4), and her husband all got hit with it at the same time this summer. Norovirus. They were all dreadfully sick. Oh, and she was dealing with some morning sickness, too.

  • Captain_America

    One problem with having God for a friend is, He has a real quirky sense of humor. We know God is a HE, because females don’t appreciate The Three Stooges, and guys do. (And, most of God’s humor — pratfalls into — poop.)

  • Janet Ackerman

    Cute story, except for the use of a shock collar-electric fence. Here’s what Victoria Stilwell, Animal Planet’s dog trainer on It’s Me or the Dog, said in her recent Positively newsletter,

    “Dogs contained behind electric fences tend to become more reactive and in some cases more aggressive toward strangers and even family members because of anxiety and frustration. Recent studies show that dogs without previous aggression problems are more prone to attack family members when the systems are activated. Only a proper fence will keep people or other animals out of the yard and offer more protection. Keep your dog inside your home and take him out for regular toilet breaks and walks or invest in a solid fence around your yard. It is a much safer and more humane and effective containment option than an electric fence will ever be.”

  • Thank you so much. Seriously. (From the person that threw a hissy fit at God the other day.)

    And I hope you’re feeling better soon.