L.B.: Buck deplanes

L.B.: Buck deplanes March 31, 2004

Left Behind, pp. 41-43

While we the readers were busy turning the page to the beginning of Chapter 3, Rayford Steele was making a risky and precarious landing on the narrow, smoke-filled runways of Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. I’m sure it was terribly exciting, but LaHaye and Jenkins felt it was best not to let us read about it.

As Chapter 3 begins, they pick up where they left off — with an exciting discussion of airport logistics:

Hattie Durham and what was left of her crew encouraged passengers …

… what was left of the passengers …

… to study the safety cards in their seat pockets. Many feared they would be unable to jump and slide down the chutes, especially with their carry-on luggage. They were instructed to remove their shoes and to jump seatfirst onto the chute. Then crew members would toss down their shoes and bags. …

I know what you’re thinking: Millions of people worldwide have disappeared. Every child and infant on the planet is gone. Death and destruction litter the landscape. So how will these passengers get their checked baggage?

… They were advised not to wait in the terminal for their checked baggage. That, they were promised, would eventually be delivered to their homes. No guarantees when.

So you see, the situation is serious. Now let’s watch as Buck Williams puts the moves on Hattie:

Buck Williams gave Hattie his card and got her phone number, “just in case I get through to your people before you do.”

“You’re with Global Weekly?” she said. “I had no idea.”

“And you were going to send me to my room for tampering with the phone.”

Even amidst the post-apocalyptic chaos, chicks dig guys who work for newsweeklies. (I’ve read that Joe Klein has to beat ’em off with a stick.) Buck secures the digits.

Now Buck says his farewells to Harold’s wife. The reader, like Buck, never learns her name:

When he opened the bin to pull down his leather bag, he found the old man’s hat and jacket still perched atop it. Harold’s wife sat staring at Buck, her eyes full, jaw set. “Ma’am,” he said quietly, “would you want these?”

The grieving woman gratefully gathered in the hat and coat, and crushed them against her chest as if she would never let them go. She said something Buck couldn’t hear. He asked her to repeat it. “I can’t jump out of any airplane,” she said.

Even poor Harold’s wife is obsessed with logistics. You might think that some of the people on the plane whose loved ones had vanished would refuse to leave. They might want to stick around to see if they reappeared as inexplicably as they had gone. You might also expect that at least one of them would have gone into shock, or perhaps a crazed parent snapping, tearing the plane apart in a mad frenzy to find their lost child. But no, just like our heroes, they’re mainly concerned with getting from point A to point B.

Buck carefully laid his laptop and case in among his clothes. With his bag zipped, he hurried to the front of the line, eager to show others how easy it was …

Another cool thing about working for a major newsweekly magazine is that you get to cut to the front of the line. Chicks dig that too. It shows them that you know you’re special.

Over the last two pages, Buck has come across as a bit of a pushy, swollen-headed jerk. That’s what makes the next little scene so surprising. What happens next was so unexpected to me that I’m almost inclined to say I liked it:

… he clutched his bag across his chest, took a quick step and threw his feet out in front of him.

A bit enthusiastic, he landed not on his seat but on his shoulders, which threw his feet over the top of his head. He picked up speed and hit the bottom with his weight shifting forward. The buggy-whip centripetal force slammed his stockinged feet to the ground and brought his torso up and over in a somersault that barely missed planting his face on the concrete.

It’s slapstick, but I like slapstick. The scene loses a bit of its comic, Blake Edwardsian kick when Buck ends up slamming the back of his head on the concrete and jumps up, his hair “already matted with blood.” (In general, slapstick should avoid profuse bleeding.* A big lump on the back of his head would’ve been funnier than sticky gore.)

He quickly retrieved his shoes and began jogging toward the terminal …

He may be injured, but he’s still Buck Williams. He’s got places to go.

– – – – – – – – – – – –

* Some exceptions that come to mind are a handful of Monty Python sketches, that SNL bit with Dan Ackroyd as Julia Child, and Itchy and Scratchy. From these examples we can perhaps discern a corollary rule: If you’re going to have blood in your slapstick, make sure you’ve got a lot of blood.

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11 responses to “L.B.: Buck deplanes”

  1. I dunno, I thought the break between Harold’s wife clutching at his clothes and then talking about the airplane was sort of… if I thought the writers could be subtle, I would say it sounded pretty natural. Discussing practical, trivial matters rather than accepting such a massive loss.
    I still can’t believe they waste an entire paragraph on describing how to get out of the plane and where to pick up their baggage. @.@

  2. twig
    “if I thought the writers could be subtle, I would say it sounded pretty natural. Discussing practical, trivial matters rather than accepting such a massive loss.”
    Normally, I would agree with you. but he has a whole plane full of distrught people, and he doesn’t show any variation in their responses at all. It just isn’t believable that everyone would choose to handle the situation the same way. I can guranteee you that at least one parent of a missing child would have freaked out. Just thinking about a situation like that makes me queesy.

  3. I leafed through a copy of the new book yesterday, just skipping ahead until I could find were Jesus makes His appearance. He gets a whole 3 short sentences before it is back to Buck…
    Before this, there is a line about how there is some symbolism in the Bible. Of course, we’ll all have to wait for Armageddon to get to it…

  4. In Celebration of “Glorious Appearing”

    Fred Carter of slacktivist has been going through the first of the Left Behind books almost page by page. Not…

  5. Damn right it was a good day!

    Rejoice people! Not only is it a brand new Onion, but Slacktivist has published more of the Left Behind analysis! I can sleep at night now!

  6. One of my coworkers has a copy of the new LB. I picked it up and went to the last couple of pages and read them, just to see if the writers had copped out and made it into “it’s all a dream.” I did notice that the last judgment was hugely timebound, that millions and millions of saints had to be judged and it might be a loooong time before Rayford’s number came up.
    The coworker asked me what I thought of the books and I told her that I had real problems with them…historical, political, sociological. But I said the biggest problem I have with the LB books is the characterization of God. I pointed out that the only difference between God and Nicolae Carpathia is that of degree. Both are depicted as murderous tyrants who have no exceptions to whatever rules they’ve laid down and will destroy you if you disobey. My coworker basically stated that God could do whatever he wanted with us because he owned us. I replied that could be very well true, but I wasn’t going to encourage this “god’s” megalomania by worshipping him. I said I’d rather go to hell first. I believe she was quite appalled, probably thinks I’m among the great unsaved, etc., etc. Thing is, I have thought about these issues for years, and I can’t in good conscience bow down before a god who really is not very different from the antichrist.
    The funny thing was that we attracted several onlookers, but then again, nobody discusses religion at work, probably because the place is crawling with Jehovah’s Witnesses trolling for fresh meat, so I guess the novelty was the discussion more than anything else.

  7. Fred,
    I love your synopsis, but have one comment. You pick on the characters for not spending more time worrying about the situation. I agree, sort of. IMHO, what people *would* be thinking about, rather than their travel plans, is first, “Holy, cr-p, it’s the rapture and the fundies are right,” followed by “Holy, cr-p, G-d didn’t take me!”
    I would expect a lot of praying and crying rather than the travel plans. (The movie _The Rapture_ is a good example of this).

  8. Nice summation, Deana. I’ve felt the same way for some time. The only diferenc ebetween the Fundie’s God and the Fundie’s Devil is which sterotypical costume each is wearing.

  9. “From these examples we can perhaps discern a corollary rule: If you’re going to have blood in your slapstick, make sure you’ve got a lot of blood.”
    I completely agree. Are you familiar with the Kenny Everett Television Show? It was a British comedy sketch show in the late 1980s, and one of the sketches involved a character called Reg Prescott, who was a rather incompetent and accident-prone TV DIY expert.
    I found it hilarious at the time, probably especially because there was a copious amount of blood involved. Pure slapstick, but very, very funny.

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