Who made Steve?

Who made Steve? November 4, 2004

In the third grade at Timothy Christian School, we learned a variation of the children's catechism. I don't remember most of it any longer, but I've always treasured the first three questions.

Recently, however, I've come to realize that these three questions do not accurately represent what it is that many American Christians believe. I have amended them to bring them into line with current practice and teaching:

Q: Who made you?
A: God made me.

Q: What else did God make?
A: God made me and all things — except Steve.

Q: Why did God make all things except Steve?
A: God made all things except Steve for His own glory.

"Steve" has emerged as a central figure in American theology. He even played a significant role in the recent national elections. Yet despite his enormous influence, we know little about Steve aside from a single reference to him in our holy texts. This reference is, like the catechism, extra-canonical but considered authoritative:

"God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

This oft-quoted text presents a mystery. If God did not make Steve, then where did this uncreature come from? How did Steve come to be?

God did not make Steve, therefore we must also assume that Steve was never born. If Steve had been born, after all, then he would be "begotten, not made." Surely we are not meant to conclude that Steve is a little-known fourth member of the Trinity.

Thus again we come to mystery. Steve was neither made nor begotten; yet Steve is.

What can we do in the face of such mystery? It is beyond our ken. We cannot hope to understand, we can only drop to our knees to sing a bewildered hymn of praise to the Creator of all things except Steve.

I have taken to doing exactly this whenever anyone recites this particular sacred text in my hearing.

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  • none

    tee hee, pope made a funny.

  • cjmr’s husband

    If we had universal health care, the poor spammers would be out of a job. Oh the horror.

  • mark

    Pot? Mushrooms?
    Not controlled by the Drug Industry.

  • misc.

    Pot and shrooms are corporate-proof, thankfully.
    Way too many associations with the dirty fuckin’ hippies – impossible to attract shareholders.

  • Jackson

    Hey, everybody, don’t you know? It’s not Adam and Steve, it’s Adam and Steven!! Please, people, get it right…

  • kazoonheight

    I was pondering the dilemma and ultimately determined “Screw Adam, who gives a rat’s ass”, then it dawned on me that that’s probably what Steve ultimately thought about the mess. Steve … Eve, whatever. Is someone trying to play god and make Adam’s decisions for him? Who’s the lucky dog who’s gonna sniff Steve’s butt to make sure he’s Eve before the ceremony? Crocodile Dundee? Good luck with that. Those types of attempts at vicarious redemption through the coercion of others have been rocking the boat since they started the fire Billy Joel disavowed in his song.

  • kazoonheight

    Gee John D. Miller
    I’m thankful for the refresher. I’d almost forgotten the exact blueprint to the tank since hearing it the first time from Charley Manson.
    If you try to view life as a gift you could very well find it easier to live in the present
    I got nothing against dusty old books. I like to read and some are better than others. It’s no excuse to be a shitheel.

  • apek

    ???? ?? ????????? ???????? ?????? «????» ?????????? ?????? ??????? ??????? ? ??????????.

  • none

    Since the foreshortening of “Stephan” is a relatively recent English language invention, of course the Flying Spaghetti Monster didn’t create Steve. Duh.

  • David Conrad

    Hi! I’m down here, buried under all the blogspam. Anyway, I was thinking, the “Adam and Steve” line is a great rejoinder for the fundies against gay men, but what about lesbians? They need a line that speaks to the lesbians. And I think I’ve come up with something.
    “God made Adam and Eve, not Ada and Eve!”
    Psst. Pass it on.

  • Jesurgislac

    “If God had meant men to have sex with each other, He would have given them assholes and He would have made it feel good.”
    “If God had meant women to have sex with each other, He would have given them clitorises and the capacity for multiple orgasms.”

  • Davey Smart

    I believe the rhyming equivalent, for the ladies, is:
    “God made Adam and Eve, not Madam and Eve!”
    I would have put the “e” on the end of “Madam”, but that “looks French”

  • ecks

    My theory is that most of the comments posted on this thread are so uncharacteristically incomprehensible by slacktivist standards that the web is going into spasms of spam just to cope with the shock.

  • Tico

    So, if Steve is one of Satan’s minions, would that make all Steves evil (or stevil, as the case may be)?

  • Bugmaster

    Actually, the spambots’ heuristics must be pretty good, if they were able to figure out that there’s a Russian-speaking audience here for their Cyrillic spam. Well, either that, or they jusy spam everyone with cyrillic.

  • cjmr

    Since I get spam in Chinese, Hebrew, and something written in a Cyrillic alphabet, I’m not surprised Slacktivist gets Cyrillic language spam, too.

  • Danil

    Professor Steve Steve evolved.

  • Ann Vilivabol

    Adam came from dusts … yeah right
    Eve came from one of Adam’s ribs … yeah right
    Eve had conversations with a talking serpent … uh huh
    The stories in the Bible are not FICTION … OK, if you say so … LMAO

  • Sean M. Burke

    That does it! I don’t like the peasant religions anymore!

  • lespool

    That the sins of A&E (naked shame) amount to NOTHING MORE THAN MODESTY is the naked shame of it all!

  • lespool

    Our Lord appears to lack ubiquity
    (— obsessed with homosexuality)
    and never knew the devil made his rounds
    cajoling Eve inside the garden grounds.
    Her ignorance was awful hard to take,
    for poor ole thing starts talking to a snake.
    But lost potential caused insanity
    and she sought knowledge from an apple tree!
    Whilst Adam had libidinous pursuits
    till Eve seduced and tempted him with fruits.
    Yet knowledge came with little aptitude
    except to notice — God preferred them nude!
    Hence, Eve and Adam drest in figs and leaves
    concealing nudity as thick as thieves.
    But disobedience shalt bear the blame
    (— for modesty twas such a naked shame)!

  • Angelia Sparrow

    Maybe Steve was one of those kids Mama Lilith had after she left Adam and went out to fornicate on the banks of the Euphrates with fallen angels?

  • G-A-Y
  • Jeff

    G-A-Y, you lost me at f** h**. I hate, loathe and despise that phrase. It’s so demeaning, I can’t imagine anyone using it.

  • ako

    The real secret? God didn’t create Steve.
    Steve created God.
    Way back, before the beginning of the universe and time and everything, there was just Steve, his easy chair, and a fridge full of beer. It wasn’t a bad life (no linear time meant the beer never ran out), but it was a bit dull.
    One night, old Steve got a bit drunk, and created an omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent deity (he says he doesn’t remember if he made it omnibenevolent or not; there was a lot of beer). It took Steve awhile to realize what he’d done, but as soon as he figured it out, he made the obvious request.
    Being bored, lonely, and also gay, Steve said, “God, make me a boyfriend.”
    God said “Okay,” and whipped up Adam. And it was good.
    Things worked out for a while, but Adam got bored. There was nowhere to go, nothing to do, and the sex just wasn’t…fun. Steve liked it, but it wasn’t really Adam’s cup of tea. He wanted to go places, do things, meet other people who had curves, and more interestingly concave bits.
    “I’d like a universe,” Adam sighed.
    “What do we need a universe for?” Steve asked. “We’ve got cold beer and a recliner. That’s better than a universe!”
    “How about a universe that contains cold beer and recliners?” God offered.
    “No,” said Steve. “I’ve got sex and beer. I’m happy, and you don’t count. God just made you so I could have sex. I should have told him to make you less whiny.”
    Well, that was the end of it. Adam walked off, and asked God to whip up a universe for him to stay in. He left Steve, and ducked off into the universe, in hopes of meeting the interestingly curvy and concave person God promised.
    Sure enough, Eve turned up, and her and Adam hit it off like a house on fire. But Steve kept hollering and throwing beer bottles from outside the universe, and messing up the Garden of Eden. Even worse, he’d sneak over for drunken booty calls with Adam that upset Eve no end. Eventually God had to step in.
    “Look, Adam. I made you two Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Steve was there when I showed up. So you should stick with Eve. She makes you happy, you make her happy, and you two don’t leave broken glass all over the universe. So don’t date Steve. No Adam and Steve. Got that?”
    Adam got the point, and that was the end of it. Unfortunately, future generations got a bit muddled, and somehow concluded that the warning also applied to couples named Bill and Kevin, John and Karl, or even Melissa and Penelope; despite the complete and total absence of Steve.

  • lespool

    ako … That doesn’t make any sense — because you left out Lilith. Lilith existed long before Steve’s cosmic alcoholic haze evolved and in a drunken stupor created god to make Adam but not Eve even though God disobeyed Steve and created her anyway. You may have all the answers as to why the earth was created before the universe — BUT YOU CAN’T JUST IGNORE LILITH simply because she’s an inconvenient truth fer crying out loud!

  • Jesurgislac

    Jeff, it usually pays to at least read the whole sentence rather than dropping Huckleberry Finn in horror because it uses the word “n****r”.
    Ako, that was excellent. …but, but Children of the Goats, please!

  • Jeff

    Jeff, it usually pays to at least read the whole sentence rather than dropping Huckleberry Finn in horror because it uses the word “n****r”.
    If I had seen ANY indication that G-A-Y’s site approached anywhere near Mr Twain’s genius, I might have cut it some slack. Also, Twain was writing in a mileiu (sp?) when “n****r” was fairly acceptable among his readers (I was stunned by the use of the word during the Harlem Renaissance). I can’t see any comparable excuse for f** h** here.

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  • cjmr

    Gee, I wonder what kind of ‘entertainment videos’ he produces…


    I thought that the WTO would be a good start for transforming the process of government at least across national borders. I quite like the idea of using the secretariat of the WTO as the centre for a Wikipedia of trade – a sort of open source world government at least for a very specific and complicated issue which needs many brains to provide a solution.

  • cjmr

    Hmmm, I wonder if DDT would be effective in getting rid of a Webkinz infestation.


    As with everyone else here, we want, nay, demand more! more of your thoughts, more history and more speed and are you going to allow us to see into the future with you?

  • cjmr

    Apparently not.


    Word of Mouth is how people find my 300 classic entertainment variety videos- Youtube/ Google should pay more attention to producer’s who present quality entertainment and help to promote their channel or someday they may well find a better place to showcase their productions- Just a thought.. joelsamuelpresents


    But I thought Al Gore invented the internet …


    But I thought Al Gore invented the internet …


    Not about the international sites, but I do wonder exactly how much attention you pay to emails that are suggesting possible featured videos. Especially after seeing a recently featured video that has been uploaded several times by other users over the course of a year or even more.

  • hapax

    WEBKINZ, if you come on over to the more active threads, you’ll see that here we’re much more interested in porn than in “classic entertainment variety videos.”

  • DDT-RUS-4

    Control of information is hugely powerful. In the US, the threat is that companies control what I can access for commercial reasons. (In China, control is by the government for political reasons.) There is a very strong short-term incentive for a company to grab control of TV distribution over the Internet even though it is against the long-term interests of the industry.

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    That one’s not from Burma-Shave.