Who made Steve?

Who made Steve? November 4, 2004

In the third grade at Timothy Christian School, we learned a variation of the children's catechism. I don't remember most of it any longer, but I've always treasured the first three questions.

Recently, however, I've come to realize that these three questions do not accurately represent what it is that many American Christians believe. I have amended them to bring them into line with current practice and teaching:

Q: Who made you?
A: God made me.

Q: What else did God make?
A: God made me and all things — except Steve.

Q: Why did God make all things except Steve?
A: God made all things except Steve for His own glory.

"Steve" has emerged as a central figure in American theology. He even played a significant role in the recent national elections. Yet despite his enormous influence, we know little about Steve aside from a single reference to him in our holy texts. This reference is, like the catechism, extra-canonical but considered authoritative:

"God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

This oft-quoted text presents a mystery. If God did not make Steve, then where did this uncreature come from? How did Steve come to be?

God did not make Steve, therefore we must also assume that Steve was never born. If Steve had been born, after all, then he would be "begotten, not made." Surely we are not meant to conclude that Steve is a little-known fourth member of the Trinity.

Thus again we come to mystery. Steve was neither made nor begotten; yet Steve is.

What can we do in the face of such mystery? It is beyond our ken. We cannot hope to understand, we can only drop to our knees to sing a bewildered hymn of praise to the Creator of all things except Steve.

I have taken to doing exactly this whenever anyone recites this particular sacred text in my hearing.


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96 responses to “Who made Steve?”

  1. Don’t they say that God doesn’t make homosexuals because homosexuality is a choice/sin that God’s children make? I thought that’s how they get around a lot of stuff that doesn’t gibe with the “love your neighbor” riff.

  2. Steve, bless him, is a teacher and a bit of a test for anyone who maintains to follow Christ.
    It has been my experience that your less analytical students tend to dislike teachers who give them tests they fail.

  3. SAT: Praise God from whom all blessings flow;
    B, concurrently: Except Steve.
    SAT: Praise him all ye creatures here below;
    B: Not you, Steve.
    SAT: Praise him above ye heavn’ly host;
    B: Stay silent, Steve.
    SAT: Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
    B: And Holy Steve.

  4. I think Steve’s genealogy begins in the 70’s with the Clone movement which followed Stonewall, and made limpwrist/femme pyrotechnics outre.
    (The screaming preachers of 42nd Street, who were the first to inform me of ‘Steve,’ have been put out of business by Disney. I find this immensely hypocritical on the part of Disney, usually so mindful of families; and I even see it as a sign that homosexual smears within Disney culture may pop up presently to relieve the boredom.)
    However, adjustments by both parties were soon made.
    As a 4th Trinity member, a most marvelous mathematical conundrum, he could be found in the Fire Island Pines, where queens from Cherry Grove were perfectly happy to drop to their knees before him in the Meat Rack, especially when they started their July 4th ‘Invasion of the Pines’ in 1976.
    God didn’t make Anita Bryant either. However, she worries about it, and Steve doesn’t, which is why the vice cops go after him. There are a lot of different kinds of clones, and they just all figure out how to make do. The new ‘enclosetments’ which will surely come about with the pogroms to emerge in the next few months and years, are well known to please some practitioners even more than the attempts at domestication which have just been thwarted in a most rude way.

  5. Having been raised Southern Baptist in Texas, I was taught that Steve was simply another in the long list of heresies and theological distortions so beloved by the evangelicals.
    You see, Steve wasn’t created by God, but by Satan, who, as we all know, possesses no power to Create (that’s God’s power)… except when his demonic magnificence so wishes. In which case, Satan’s the most amazing Creator you ever saw. Of so-called evil things, of course. But really attractive, tempting so-called evil things. Kinda like Wall-Mart.
    Which, quite properly, caused me to rethink my entire theology, and come to the only possible conclusion — Satan is every bit as powerful as God. Satan, in fact, would have created the world, but God got there first. (Satan’s not a morning deity – a point that rates highly in my decisions as to which Almighty to worship.)
    So now you know.

  6. Richard–pulleaze…if Satan created tempting attractive things, then God definitely created Wall-Mart. You should be ashamed…

  7. “Which, quite properly, caused me to rethink my entire theology, and come to the only possible conclusion — Satan is every bit as powerful as God. Satan, in fact, would have created the world, but God got there first. (Satan’s not a morning deity – a point that rates highly in my decisions as to which Almighty to worship.)”
    Isn’t that zoroastrian or whatever that old babylonian religion is called?

  8. Thank you, Fred, thank you. That’s the first real laugh I’ve had since Kerry’s concession. Making people laugh when they feel like crying, that’s a real mitzvah.

  9. God made all things except Steve for His own glory

    “Steve” has emerged as a central figure in American theology. […] Steve was neither made nor begotten; yet Steve is. What can we do in the face of such mystery? It is beyond our ken. We cannot hope to understand,

  10. God made Steven. But Steven was tempted by the devil to drop the “n”, take Eve shopping for produce and shack up with Adam because he had a real python.
    Fortunately for humanity, there are people out there who want to give Steve his n-tegrity back. Well, at least for Drew Berryessa,

  11. Not you, Steve!

    I wanted to share with you the first real laugh I’ve had since finding out about Tuesday’s debacle. Fred Clark, of the blog Slacktivist, is one of that rare breed of liberal Christians, and he’s been talking about the intersection…

  12. Who’d a thunk it — our new state religion is Manichaeanism, complete with two co-creators, one good and one evil.
    Boy did that Augustine guy back the wrong horse…

  13. When Cain went into the land of Nod, east of Eden, he got married. Where did his wife come from? Is it possible that Steve came from the land of Nod? And how come Steve gets a name, and Cain’s wife doesn’t, she who conceived and bare Enoch, who builded a city? And who conceived of Steve? If, as the evidence suggests, it was an American, does that mean that America is the land of Nod?

  14. I have a minor grudge against a God who created people who are so easily hypnotized by rhymes. See also “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime” which is an amazing protection against the idea that some people are falsely convinted.

  15. I thought it was obvious. Of course God made Steve. What He didn’t make was “Adam and Steve”, the blessed union of the two. He made Steve as a healthy, happy, heterosexual, but Satan has tempted Steve and led him down a path of sin and hedonism. If Steve simply rejects the homosexual lifestyle he has chosen, he will once again be weclomed into God’s arms.
    I’m not even a Christian and I knew THAT!

  16. People will put up with Steve. He’s like Joe Gage or Jack Wrangler or Dick Huge–‘capitalist’ gays.
    It’s ‘Bruce’ who always freaks them into bashing.
    However, Michael Musto will save the day.

  17. “What can we do in the face of such mystery? It is beyond our ken. We cannot hope to understand, we can only drop to our knees to sing a bewildered hymn of praise to the Creator of all things except Steve.”
    OK, I get the Steve part. Now who’s Ken?
    :-)

  18. Why, Ken is Barbie’s “boyfriend” although I’m pretty sure it’s a “Will & Grace” relationship. (Ken is actually seeing G.I. Joe, but they keep it a secret because of the policy on gays in the military.)

  19. ANGER MANAGEMENT

    We are angry. Our anger arises from the Republican leadership’s base appeal to hate and prejudice. Not only did 11 states re-ban (via constitutional amendment) already-banned (by statutes) marriage among gays, some of them also banned domestic partners…

  20. A central figure in theology

    Enjoyed this post by Fred at the Slacktivist: “Steve” has emerged as a central figure in American theology. He even played a significant role in the recent national elections. Yet despite his enormous influence, we know little about Steve aside from a …

  21. It’s really the non-catholic Christians who are at fault. The Baltimore Catechism does not mention Steve. I guess that is why so many priests did not refrain from diddling altar boys…

  22. Also if God created Adam and Eve, and then Cain killed Able, where did all the rest of the people come from? Did Eve procreate with Cain? Did she live 1,000 years like Abraham? Or did she have more children and then did they engage in incest? Where did they come from?

  23. OK, your spirit body, the one with the memory, is made in the image of God.
    Yet there are some who don’t understand that the natural body which is a vessel for the spirit body, a spirit body that has freedon when the vessel is discarded at death, is a vessel with one reason prime reason to exist. That is to find God during the time the person has to live, and once God is found, then the vessel should help others during its journey towards death.
    You live to find God, then you live to help others. Then you receive your prize at death, for you live again in the image of God.
    All else is really of no consequence.

  24. Hey, are all those scientist-Steves who joined the “Steve project” supporting evolution also unbegotten?

  25. God Made All Things Except Steve

    A pleasantly snarkish post from Slacktivist on the reason why God neglected to create Steve. Thanks to Brad DeLong and apologies to all the Steves out there. (Yeah, even that one.)…

  26. Outtakes04.25.05

    Jessica’s Story — Mark at Stone’s Cry Out shares a story about a young child who understands what it means to model Christ. ****** Shifting Focus — Bill Hobbs shares a vision for his state’s slice of the blogosphere: If…

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    Sweet Blessings, a new Christian-based online shop featuring cookie bouquets, candy bouquets and gift baskets, opens with a campaign to donate a portion of all profits to Habitat For Humanity. The devastation of hurricanes Katrina and Rita, while not a…

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  31. OK, I can understand why the “suspicious phone call” thread gets spammed with adverts for mobile phones, but unless these pills are being marketed specifically at the gay market (and I’m pretty sure there are more straight guys who worry about size), I don’t see the link here…

  32. I am interested in your product but your URL appears to be damaged. Could you post a more correct version or send further information to me via email?

  33. If we had universal health care, the poor spammers would be out of a job. Oh the horror.

  34. Pot and shrooms are corporate-proof, thankfully.
    Way too many associations with the dirty fuckin’ hippies – impossible to attract shareholders.

  35. Hey, everybody, don’t you know? It’s not Adam and Steve, it’s Adam and Steven!! Please, people, get it right…

  36. I was pondering the dilemma and ultimately determined “Screw Adam, who gives a rat’s ass”, then it dawned on me that that’s probably what Steve ultimately thought about the mess. Steve … Eve, whatever. Is someone trying to play god and make Adam’s decisions for him? Who’s the lucky dog who’s gonna sniff Steve’s butt to make sure he’s Eve before the ceremony? Crocodile Dundee? Good luck with that. Those types of attempts at vicarious redemption through the coercion of others have been rocking the boat since they started the fire Billy Joel disavowed in his song.

  37. Gee John D. Miller
    I’m thankful for the refresher. I’d almost forgotten the exact blueprint to the tank since hearing it the first time from Charley Manson.
    If you try to view life as a gift you could very well find it easier to live in the present
    I got nothing against dusty old books. I like to read and some are better than others. It’s no excuse to be a shitheel.

  38. Since the foreshortening of “Stephan” is a relatively recent English language invention, of course the Flying Spaghetti Monster didn’t create Steve. Duh.

  39. Hi! I’m down here, buried under all the blogspam. Anyway, I was thinking, the “Adam and Steve” line is a great rejoinder for the fundies against gay men, but what about lesbians? They need a line that speaks to the lesbians. And I think I’ve come up with something.
    “God made Adam and Eve, not Ada and Eve!”
    Psst. Pass it on.

  40. “If God had meant men to have sex with each other, He would have given them assholes and He would have made it feel good.”
    “If God had meant women to have sex with each other, He would have given them clitorises and the capacity for multiple orgasms.”

  41. I believe the rhyming equivalent, for the ladies, is:
    “God made Adam and Eve, not Madam and Eve!”
    I would have put the “e” on the end of “Madam”, but that “looks French”

  42. My theory is that most of the comments posted on this thread are so uncharacteristically incomprehensible by slacktivist standards that the web is going into spasms of spam just to cope with the shock.

  43. So, if Steve is one of Satan’s minions, would that make all Steves evil (or stevil, as the case may be)?

  44. Actually, the spambots’ heuristics must be pretty good, if they were able to figure out that there’s a Russian-speaking audience here for their Cyrillic spam. Well, either that, or they jusy spam everyone with cyrillic.

  45. Since I get spam in Chinese, Hebrew, and something written in a Cyrillic alphabet, I’m not surprised Slacktivist gets Cyrillic language spam, too.

  46. Adam came from dusts … yeah right
    Eve came from one of Adam’s ribs … yeah right
    Eve had conversations with a talking serpent … uh huh
    The stories in the Bible are not FICTION … OK, if you say so … LMAO

  47. That the sins of A&E (naked shame) amount to NOTHING MORE THAN MODESTY is the naked shame of it all!

  48. Our Lord appears to lack ubiquity
    (— obsessed with homosexuality)
    and never knew the devil made his rounds
    cajoling Eve inside the garden grounds.
    Her ignorance was awful hard to take,
    for poor ole thing starts talking to a snake.
    But lost potential caused insanity
    and she sought knowledge from an apple tree!
    Whilst Adam had libidinous pursuits
    till Eve seduced and tempted him with fruits.
    Yet knowledge came with little aptitude
    except to notice — God preferred them nude!
    Hence, Eve and Adam drest in figs and leaves
    concealing nudity as thick as thieves.
    But disobedience shalt bear the blame
    (— for modesty twas such a naked shame)!

  49. Maybe Steve was one of those kids Mama Lilith had after she left Adam and went out to fornicate on the banks of the Euphrates with fallen angels?

  50. G-A-Y, you lost me at f** h**. I hate, loathe and despise that phrase. It’s so demeaning, I can’t imagine anyone using it.

  51. The real secret? God didn’t create Steve.
    Steve created God.
    Way back, before the beginning of the universe and time and everything, there was just Steve, his easy chair, and a fridge full of beer. It wasn’t a bad life (no linear time meant the beer never ran out), but it was a bit dull.
    One night, old Steve got a bit drunk, and created an omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent deity (he says he doesn’t remember if he made it omnibenevolent or not; there was a lot of beer). It took Steve awhile to realize what he’d done, but as soon as he figured it out, he made the obvious request.
    Being bored, lonely, and also gay, Steve said, “God, make me a boyfriend.”
    God said “Okay,” and whipped up Adam. And it was good.
    Things worked out for a while, but Adam got bored. There was nowhere to go, nothing to do, and the sex just wasn’t…fun. Steve liked it, but it wasn’t really Adam’s cup of tea. He wanted to go places, do things, meet other people who had curves, and more interestingly concave bits.
    “I’d like a universe,” Adam sighed.
    “What do we need a universe for?” Steve asked. “We’ve got cold beer and a recliner. That’s better than a universe!”
    “How about a universe that contains cold beer and recliners?” God offered.
    “No,” said Steve. “I’ve got sex and beer. I’m happy, and you don’t count. God just made you so I could have sex. I should have told him to make you less whiny.”
    Well, that was the end of it. Adam walked off, and asked God to whip up a universe for him to stay in. He left Steve, and ducked off into the universe, in hopes of meeting the interestingly curvy and concave person God promised.
    Sure enough, Eve turned up, and her and Adam hit it off like a house on fire. But Steve kept hollering and throwing beer bottles from outside the universe, and messing up the Garden of Eden. Even worse, he’d sneak over for drunken booty calls with Adam that upset Eve no end. Eventually God had to step in.
    “Look, Adam. I made you two Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Steve was there when I showed up. So you should stick with Eve. She makes you happy, you make her happy, and you two don’t leave broken glass all over the universe. So don’t date Steve. No Adam and Steve. Got that?”
    Adam got the point, and that was the end of it. Unfortunately, future generations got a bit muddled, and somehow concluded that the warning also applied to couples named Bill and Kevin, John and Karl, or even Melissa and Penelope; despite the complete and total absence of Steve.

  52. ako … That doesn’t make any sense — because you left out Lilith. Lilith existed long before Steve’s cosmic alcoholic haze evolved and in a drunken stupor created god to make Adam but not Eve even though God disobeyed Steve and created her anyway. You may have all the answers as to why the earth was created before the universe — BUT YOU CAN’T JUST IGNORE LILITH simply because she’s an inconvenient truth fer crying out loud!

  53. Jeff, it usually pays to at least read the whole sentence rather than dropping Huckleberry Finn in horror because it uses the word “n****r”.
    Ako, that was excellent. …but, but Children of the Goats, please!

  54. Jeff, it usually pays to at least read the whole sentence rather than dropping Huckleberry Finn in horror because it uses the word “n****r”.
    If I had seen ANY indication that G-A-Y’s site approached anywhere near Mr Twain’s genius, I might have cut it some slack. Also, Twain was writing in a mileiu (sp?) when “n****r” was fairly acceptable among his readers (I was stunned by the use of the word during the Harlem Renaissance). I can’t see any comparable excuse for f** h** here.

  55. Word of Mouth is how people find my 300 classic entertainment variety videos- Youtube/ Google should pay more attention to producer’s who present quality entertainment and help to promote their channel or someday they may well find a better place to showcase their productions- Just a thought.. joelsamuelpresents http://zadul.servik.com

  56. I thought that the WTO would be a good start for transforming the process of government at least across national borders. I quite like the idea of using the secretariat of the WTO as the centre for a Wikipedia of trade – a sort of open source world government at least for a very specific and complicated issue which needs many brains to provide a solution.

  57. As with everyone else here, we want, nay, demand more! more of your thoughts, more history and more speed and are you going to allow us to see into the future with you?

  58. Word of Mouth is how people find my 300 classic entertainment variety videos- Youtube/ Google should pay more attention to producer’s who present quality entertainment and help to promote their channel or someday they may well find a better place to showcase their productions- Just a thought.. joelsamuelpresents

  59. Not about the international sites, but I do wonder exactly how much attention you pay to emails that are suggesting possible featured videos. Especially after seeing a recently featured video that has been uploaded several times by other users over the course of a year or even more.

  60. WEBKINZ, if you come on over to the more active threads, you’ll see that here we’re much more interested in porn than in “classic entertainment variety videos.”

  61. Control of information is hugely powerful. In the US, the threat is that companies control what I can access for commercial reasons. (In China, control is by the government for political reasons.) There is a very strong short-term incentive for a company to grab control of TV distribution over the Internet even though it is against the long-term interests of the industry.