When Coming Out As LGBTQ Means Losing One's Family

Our reading this week is from the gospel of Luke:

Now large crowds were traveling with him; and he turned and said to them, “Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not carry the cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not first sit down and estimate the cost, to see whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it will begin to ridicule him, saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or what king, going out to wage war against another king, will not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to oppose the one who comes against him with twenty thousand? If he cannot, then, while the other is still far away, he sends a delegation and asks for the terms of peace. So therefore, none of you can become my disciple if you do not give up all your possessions.” (Luke 14:25-33)

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This is Part 1 of Hating One’s Family

In my opinion, we would be hard-pressed to find a more dangerous passage in the gospels than the passage we’re reading this week. This passage has been used repeatedly to incite families to reject family members over religious differences. Someone in the family is an atheist? Shun them. Someone in the family believes differently? Label them as the bad apple. And God forbid, a child in an evangelical family realizes they are gay, lesbian, transgender, or bisexual? LGBTQ children in Christian families often face insurmountable challenges, particularly when their identities conflict with their family’s traditional religious beliefs. Many Christian faith communities subscribe to heteronormative values, heteronormative ways to interpret scriptures, and a heteronormative lens through which they navigate the world around them. Our reading this week, in this context, has led countless families to condemn and even reject their LGBTQ children. This rejection may come in the form of emotional distancing, forced conversion therapy, or even disowning, and such experiences can have devastating effects on a child’s mental health and lead to increased risks of depression, anxiety, and suicide. For LGBTQ youth, acceptance at home is crucial. When families choose love over exclusion, they create safe environments where their children can thrive, both in identity and faith. But when families choose to read this week’s passage in a way that affirms their biases and phobias, this passage becomes dangerous.

I have experience with what I’m writing about this week. My own extended family has led group actions against me in my faith community because they view my alliance with LGBTQ folks as heretical.

But Luke’s context is not choosing one’s religion or faith over loving and affirming a family member. The context is choosing justice and inclusion even when your privileged family rejects you for doing so. We’ll unpack the difference in Part 2.

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