The Age-old Problem
Ageing parents and adult children seem to find it difficult to bond together or relate to one another as they both age. It seems such a huge task to maintain relationship with one another, and often they drift apart for lack of understanding. Each is ensconced in their own citadels, and many times they’re even unable talk to one another without being at loggerheads with each other. It looks as though there’s no middle ground, or even the means to bridge the gap!
Knowing and realizing that you are growing old is something difficult to accept for ageing parents. Waning strength, reducing stamina, inability to function as before, weakening mental equanimity, aches and pains do make life different than before. Loosing shape, loosening of joints, susceptibility to disease, and being plagued by uncertainties are the bane of this season of life. Exacerbating this state is the thought that now, in case of any financial need or physical infirmity, they may need to be dependent on the goodwill of others.
An empty nest in a season of life where parents have time to interact with children and grandchildren is another shortfall. Children or grandchildren may not have enough time to bond, which then gives rise to loneliness in parents. Having built a life around children and their needs, they may now face a loss of vision, and a lack of desire to exert themselves.
On the flip side, adult children, with escalating responsibilities and growing duties, may not be able to give time to parents. It’s not that they don’t want to, but rather that they’re unable to amidst the growing pressures of life. The daily task of raising a family, increasing demands both at home and workplace, soaring prices and other factors, may overload them.
In such a state of affairs, what do parents expect from children, and how can adult children help them attain a comfortable rhythm of productive life? Conversely, what do grown up kids expect from their parents, how can ageing parents be there for them? Is it possible for ageing parents and adult children bond together, despite differences? Can there be a harmonious symbiotic existence between the generations that blesses both?
Ageing parents and adult children can bond together with some of the pointers given below!
1. Both parents and children should respect one another
Basic need of parents in their old age is being honored and respected by their children. They want their kids to remember their sacrifices, and treat them with honor. Today, they may not be smart enough or savvy enough about many things. This should not cause children to look down on them or ridicule them or put them down, especially before others.
In like manner, parents must understand that their kids are now grown-ups, and must treat them as such. They shouldn’t treat them as though they’re not mature or do something that may damage their self-respect. Parents do take care not to offend those who aren’t part of the family, or other young adults. They need to extend the same courtesy to their own flesh and blood!
2. Parents and Children must accept each other’s limits and boundaries
To keep respect with one another, it is important to know each other’s boundaries, and stay within it. Just because parents are old, adult children can’t take liberties with them. They might’ve once been part of their family, but are no longer so. Their parents are now another family, and so, must be treated as such. While visiting them, children need to remember to be sensitive to their parents’ sensibilities. They must take care not to strain their parents with their demands or expectations.
Same holds true with parents, especially when you’re invited to stay with your kids. Be careful not to indiscriminately voice out opinions or judgements, based on your own view. Give them space to live their life, and trust them to come through life well. You made it through in spite of your many mistakes. Let your kids live out their life, and learn from their own errors. If you see them faltering, pray for them rather than jumping in with your accusations, or your take on it!
3. Be a help to one another rather than a harm
Parents need their childrens’ support as they age, but often may not ask for it for fear of being a burden and a nuisance. Adult children must grasp that their parents are not as strong as before. Hence, be instinctive as well as intentional to know when or what is needed. While doing so, do understand that parents need you to bolster them up. Yet do not destroy them or their hold on life by being too insistent or negative. Your assistance should renew and not destroy their confidence. Your service should help them navigate through a weakened phase of life, with confidence and faith.
There will be a time when such a duty will cease since they would’ve passed on, So, for now, accept their need for or of you, since it will be just for a season. You will earn a blessing that will last your lifetime. It will also pass on beyond you to your own children, who will learn from you. Your tending of them will come back to either haunt you or heal you in your own senior years depending on how you take care of them now!
Similarly, parents ought to be there for their children, especially in their down times and seasons. Your encouragement, and often silent support, will go a long way in helping them recover from any disasters or shortcomings. In times of sickness or other family events, such as during births, your unstinting and unconditional service will make them come through with victory, not defeat.
Be available for them to download on you, and provide a listening ear to their woes, however silly it may seem to you. Do not offer platitudes but just show them that you have their back. Be careful not to be quick to take umbrage at their outbursts. In the safety of your love, they will indeed let down their hair, often seeming to take out their anger on you. Hold on to your composure, and be serene until they exhaust themselves. They face a very inhospitable and demanding world, with multitude of duties. They tend to get wounded or scarred more often than not. You are their safety net, and their anchor, and so bear with them. Replenish your strength in the presence of God so as to be able to be their buffer and their protector in a harsh world!
4. Keep in touch with one another, and don’t lose sight of each other in the milieu of life
Building bridges of communication is so important in this busy world, and so, young people, do factor in time with your parents as part of your schedule. When you plan your week, month and year, allot a portion to spend with them, individually and as families. Pick up their calls, and just give them a quick ear, so that they will not feel bereft or abandoned in their senior years. Join together, and celebrate with them at least one festival and vacation per year with them.
Give them the joy of the company of your kids during summer holidays, allowing them stayovers with grandparents and other senior citizens in your family. Deprive them not of something that fills them with joie de vivre, and what will sustain them through the year amidst their aloneness. Moreover, they will form good buffers for you as your own kids go through teenage years, and they will help you navigate through the woes of that stage!
Parents, do grasp that life today is not filled with leisure as before in your times, and there is a premium on the time your kids can spend with you. Value their moments with you, and lessen the expectations and demands you place on them. Be thankful for whatever time they can give you, and do not take umbrage at their seeming neglect of you. They’re strapped for time, and swamped with responsibilities, and therefore, may just forget to call you or enquire about you. Instead of waiting for them to call, why don’t you step up to keep your bonding and care for them intact!
Set a weekly time talk to them, and be careful to not to misuse their time by extensive conservations. When you do stick to your limits, they will look forward to your calls, and honor you with their time!
5. Be patient with each other, and let love cover a multitude of faults
The Bible asks us to, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Parents bear much with youngsters when growing up, tolerating their tantrums and misbehavior as part of their growth towards adulthood. By the time their senior years roll around, their strength has waned, and often exhausted. So, they may seem to react negatively when formerly they wouldn’t do so. At this time, children need to make excuses for their parents seeming short temperedness, and be patient with them.
Parents may often seem to be complaining and moaning, but that’s just the frustration of not being able to do many things that was easy to them previously. As they age, parents cannot accept that they’re not able to be in control of life, and so tend to be morbid or crib. Your love, evident in the patient handling of them, will soon soothe and comfort them, assuring them that they are not alone or neglected!
It is important for parents to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit, more than their kids, since they ought to be more mature. Having gone through the hard knocks of life, you would’ve learnt to flow with the undulations of survival. You couldn’t have come thus far without developing resilience and endurance. So, flow in lovingkindness towards your own flesh and blood, exhibiting the same care as before when they were young. Learn to use this time to hone your longsuffering, becoming excellent in your reactions and actions towards your own family. As you do that, the God Who sees in secret will reward you openly, opening doors of ministry and missions to those whom He calls as His own and His family!
6. Pray for each other, and uphold one another up in secret before the throne of God
If there is one thing both parents and children can do is to pray and intercede for one another. Holding each other up before the throne of grace would ensure, not only strength for each other, but will keep your relationship and bonding on keel.
Parents, communicate more your woes and expectations with your heavenly Father, and let Him speak and guide your children. Let your trust and rest be on Him, than on your children. As you trusted Him in your youth, lean on Him more now that you’re going on in years. He has said, Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Ps 92:14 promises that the righteous Even in old age they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green. Let God continue to be your stay and support, as He has till now, so that you can be strong for your children!
Children, parents now need your prayers for them, and your intercession for their infirmities. Once upon a time they upheld you in their prayers and always were there to lift you up to God in their supplications. Now its your turn to do so, and therefore, let them know that you are indeed returning the favor! Don’t let your needs and trials motivate your prayer and time with God. Help them by praying for them to be safe and serene as they advance in years. Give them space to share their needs or even their fears, irrational though they may seem to you. Knowing that you have their back, as they had yours, will go a long way in assuring them. It will ensure that there will always be fruitful relationship and joyful bonding between your parents and you!
Teach your children to pray for them, and always remember them as they did you, every day of their life!
Tips for Collective Living
Children, remember parents have lived life thus far, in their own way, on their own terms, survived well till now. So, don’t trample on their rights, or cramp their freedom, or curtail their movements. Be there as their staff, and their restful space, rather than as agitating disturbances!
Don’t be as though you’re their prison guards but be their guardian angels! Be not parole officers needing accountability, but be their gentle and genteel props! May your love be their protective cover that shields and protects them, as they did you in the days of your birth and growth!
Parents, trust your children, and allow them to live their life their way, and not yours! Yes, you have the experience, you have the expertise, you have gone through life, and learnt hard lessons. Yet that doesn’t really qualify you to bracket them or judge them or brand them, based on your outlook. Indeed you will be deficit in understanding if you don’t grasp that they’re facing difficult and different challenges and constraints distinct from yours. Let them come to you for advice, wisdom, and succor, rather than you offering it, even if it is in love. Be their consultants and cheerleaders rather than their controllers and manipulators!
Be there for them and not against them, patiently showing love and care even now, just as you’ve always done! You have passed through seasons they’re passing through, but for them it is the first time. Be their guiding beacon of light in a dark world, and a safe harbor amidst life’s breakers and waves! May your forgiving and forbearing love be to them a shelter from raging storms, an oasis in a desert, and a sure refuge from howling winds and waves!
May ageing parents and adult children work their best to bond together, as much as possible!
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In