I just died laughing at Babylon Bee’s very humorous list of 23 Christian Movies That Need To Be Made. That link comes with my highest recommendation; it’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.
I’m something of a connoisseur of horrible Christian movies; my snooty reviews of Pure Flix films are some of the most fun I’ve ever had as a writer. I also hold the distinction of being the only professional* film critic who had fun watching the re-make of Ben Hur; everyone else despised that film but I thought it was a cheesy good time.
There’s something intriguing about a genuinely awful Christian movie; something that cries out for the MST3K treatment. I love to rib movies like that, which means I heartily support their being made in the first place.
Besides all that, I just found out that Pure Flix is coming out with God’s Not Dead 3 in late March, just in time to ruin Easter. There’s no plot description available yet, which means they need help thinking of one. Don’t worry, Pure Flix, I’ve got your back. I’ve been watching Pure Flix films for quite some time, and I have developed a list of my own suggestions for Christian movies that need to be made. All of them are deliberately low-budget, suitable for the Pure Flix back lot and within the capabilities of whoever did the CGI for The Book of Esther.
- Melissa Joan Hart and David A. R. White play the parents of a little girl with childhood cancer. Their house is spotless and meticulously decorated even though no one is seen to do any housework. The girl is not a plucky heroine or a sad saintly type, but just an average kid. She recovers.
- Bruce Marchiano plays a creepy man trapped in an elevator with a diverse cast of characters for two hours. He begins to tell the characters their own life stories in cheap-looking flashback sequences. They presume that he is Jesus and laud him as their personal Lord and Savior. Then the real Jesus shows up.
- Roma Downey presents a four-hour dramatization of the Book of Numbers, starring Jim Caviezel as literally every character.
- Melissa Joan Hart and David A. R. White play a dissatisfied young couple considering divorce. Bruce Marchiano plays a mysterious, smiling hitchhiker who speaks entirely in Joel Osteen tweets. Before the young couple can accept Bruce Marchiano as their personal Lord and Savior, he murders them with an ax.
- A good Christian girl befriends a disabled child from the same high school class. No one pays particular attention to this because disabled people are human beings and not lay figures for Christians to use to look pious.
- Sadie Robertson grins vacantly at the camera for two hours straight.
- Chick Tracts: The Animated Series.
- Roma Downey presents a fanciful creative re-imagining of the Epic of Gilgamesh. Jesus is there for some reason.
- An historic Civil War-era drama wherein Harriet Tubman remarks that Black Lives Matter is a terrorist organization, and if her face ever appeared on a twenty dollar bill it would be reverse racism.
- David A. R. White reads the United States Constitution aloud while Bruce Marchiano plays “God Bless America” on the kazoo.
Let the record show that I came up with all of these ideas first and if God’s Not Dead 3 resembles them in any way, I want a cut of the royalties.
(image via Pixabay)