“Thank you for calling the Association of Sigil Scribes Society. Your belief in our validation of your work is important to us. Please make a selection from the following automated menu:
Press “1” if you need to activate your sigil.
Press “2” if you have a question about a previously activated sigil. (This will disconnect you. You know why.)
Press “3” if you would like to place an order for the finest sigil supplies money can buy.
Press “4” if you need to renew your A.S.S.S. membership.
(tone of a selection being made)
“You selected option one, you need to activate your sigil. We’ll be happy to verify your work. Please take a photo of the inactive sigil with your phone and type # when you are ready upload.
(photo click. # is typed.)
“Thank you, the photo of your inactive sigil has been transmitted and received. Now please choose from the following selections:
Press “1” if you would like your sigil to be activated by us printing it out and burning it in the nearest wastebin.
Press “2” if you would like your sigil to be carefully copied out onto French linen paper with Valerian-infused walnut ink. It will then be burned in a small crucible during the next astrologically appropriate alignment.
Press “3” if you would like your sigil to be lovingly inscribed onto Egyptian papyrus that was harvested by goats under the Full Moon with consecrated garnet-infused crimson ink. It will then be rubbed against the naked body of one of our nubile acolytes and incinerated upon the high altar at our next ritual. We will then mix the ashes with fine wine and those gathered will consume it.”
(tone of a selection being made)
“Thank you for your selection. That is a wise choice. The proper activation of your sigil is of the utmost important to us. In order to proceed, please enter your credit card number, followed by the expiration date and three digit code”
(series of beeps)
“Thank you! Your card has been successfully charged. Your sigil is now in our queue and is scheduled to activated shortly. Remember to forget that it ever existed in order for the activation to be complete. Goodbye!”
____________________________________
*This bit of occult satire is brought to you by:
– the snarky part of my brain
– the proven practice that once you have finishing drawing a sigil, it’s technically already activated in your mind – anything else you do is simply an additional aid.
– the truth that sigils have been successfully made for thousands of years without the aid of white dude magick.
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