Catholic Coiffure

GUEST POST By Max Lindenman

This post from Acts Of The Apostasy has been making the rounds for the past couple of days. I feel honor-bound to make sure nobody misses it:

AoftheA has discovered that insufficient reporting exists in regards to Catholic hairstyles. Were you to Google “Catholic hairstyles”, you get…nothing. What, you mean you never knew there was such a thing as “Catholic hairstyles”? Fortunately you’ve come to the right blog.

After days and days long hours about thirty minutes of extensive pains-taking research, the AofhteA Department Of Commentary On Important Issues and Emerging Trends has identified several classifications of Catholic hairstyles.

Here’s how they describe Chesterton’s ‘do, “The Unkempt Ruff”:

Fancy yourself the smartest man in the room, and want to appear so busy with being smart that you don’t have time for you hair? The tousled tangled look of the Unkempt Ruff is for you then. And no one wore it better than GK Chesterton. The epitome of paradox obviously spared little time for his hair. Of course, should you opt for this style, it helps if you are smart to begin with.

If Chesteron, the greatest of all middle-class mystics, read this, he’d probably say something like, “When a child contemplates an unkempt ruff he sees a field of waving wheat, crowned by the season’s first frost.”

And if I heard him say it, I’d reply, “No, Gil. When a child contemplates an unkempt ruff, he thinks, ‘Please, God, take me before I get old.””

But really, who is your ersatz Anchoress to criticize? I just learned I sport the Michael Voris look, which leaves me unsure which to cut — my bangs or my wrists.