Torture only conditionally offends…

You see, there is a rule about toture and how offensive one finds it. There is a condition.

The condition is this: In order to be offended by images of torture, the torturers have to be U.S. Troops, serving under a CIC who has an R after his name.

That is what it takes. So, if you happen to come across a story about a 22 year old gay man in Iran who is subjected to 100 lashes for the crime of being gay, why you just turn the page, and repeat this motto: the enemy (Iran) of my enemy (Chimpy Bushitler) is my friend.

While we are attempting to oust this enemy, keep your priorities straight, and do not concern yourself with our new, politically expedient friends!

Remember: A Koran spritzed with urine is a moral outrage, and copious amount of paper and ink are to be expended in moralizing and over-dramatizing this event. Computer monitors and television screens may crackle and burst in loud and reverberating angst, but their sacrifice may be necessary in order for us to effectively disseminate this vital information: The American President with the R after his name is evil. He is a tyrant. He is a terrorist. He is a torturer. He is a racist. A sexist. A homophobe. A Nazi.

No other story matters. None but his torture is so alarming, nor so sweetly fully of opportunity! If you are a member of a woman’s right’s group, send out a press release denouncing the Torturer in Chief! If you belong to a gay right’s group, an animal right’s group, a Palestinian group or the Teachers Union, do the same!

After we have ousted this menace, this supreme enemy of humanity, from our midsts, we will somehow collect ourselves and begin to finally look at images of young gay men being tortured by Middle Eastern States, and pictures of Middle Eastern women being buried in sand up to their necks so they may be a still and unmoving target for the men who wish to stone them to death. All things in time!

Right now is not the time to worry about those cultural excesses in the Middle East. Once we get the right sort of American President installed – the kind with the D after her name – there will be time to examine such issues, to study them and talk about them and learn to understand and appreciate and respect the diversity of cultures which make up our wonderful world!

And, if after studying those situations, we determine that something should, in fact, be done about the mistreatment of gays and women in the Middle East, we will do something calm and rational – probably we’ll convince them to stop their harsh practices by giving them a nuclear power facility, or something constructive like that.

But even before that, of course, once we get the right sort of president installed in the White House (repeat: the kind with a D after her name) we will have to focus like a laser beam on the human rights abuses being heaped upon the world…by Israel!

H/T Roger Simon.