talk about a guilt trip…

… When I told my son I was taking this summer’s classes online and that I would be home in the evenings he hugged me tight around my neck and said “that is what I’ve been praying for!”.

Turns out, I am having to devote more time to these 2 classes then anticipated and last night my son again hugged me tight around the neck and “mommy, I miss you.”

One time he asked if I become a nurse will I still be his mommy. Other times he has wondered why I want to be a nurse. Try explaining job security and financial stability to a six year old.

All he understands is that mom has less time with him, less time to read to him before bed, less time at the dinner table and less time to sleep with translates into a stressed and distracted mom. I am not “there”, in every sense of the word.

He is a bright and intuitive boy. He has a chance at a wonderful future with his 145 IQ and gifted placement in school. I dare say there is more hope for him then me. I feel selfish devoting so much time to my own studies and pursuits and less time helping him with homework and school projects. He needs me to be there. To be a his mom, not be some one elses nurse.

I keep asking myself, what am I doing? I am taking such a big risk… a risk I don’t think I have the luxury to take when my child is my duty and should be my #1 priority.

Eventually in the next year I will have to quit my job as my studies intensify. Nursing school is a full time job in itself. How will I support us being unemployed. I have a meager savings but it would run out after a year. Then there’s always the possibility I fail out of the program. Let’s face it, I do not have my son’s IQ. Learning does not come without much great effort for me. So I fail out and have no job to return to, then what happens to us?!? Now, I wonder, if this is a time to take such financial risks.

Today, everything feels wrong. Today I feel like I am abandoning my duties as a parent and not fulfilling my vocation as a mother. Today I feel selfish.

In my mind I rationalized that pursuit of my career goals and education was so I could better myself and provide a better life for my son… one unlike my child hood, which was filled with instability and uncertainty. I never want to make my son have to get a job while he is in school flipping burgers because his mom can’t pay the bills. I have been working since I was 13. I am so very tired of scraping by. This seems like my one chance to escape the cycle of poverty… and I am so close. Hungrily I can taste it. Determined I move forward careful not to let anything side track me or slow me down.

Sadly, my success will be total failure if the result’s my son suffering the loss of his mom.

Damn. I feel so selfish today. Today I just ask that God help me sort it out.