today’s post is brought to you by Lady Mary’s eyebrows…

today’s post is brought to you by Lady Mary’s eyebrows… February 20, 2012

… I have to get it all out of my system before I can properly proceed with blogging. If I don’t, I’ll simply die. So if you haven’t seen the finale yet or even parts of Season 2 – look away now.

Those eyebrows. My Goodness. Mary’s eyebrows could act for her; she’d need no script. If it weren’t for their wide range of expressions Season 2 might have been a total wash. I tuned in just to watch them twitch across her forehead episode after episode… it was hypnotic.

Let’s pray I resist the urge to try and replicate the look on my own face because I fail to learn from past mistakes.

Season 2, you failed me. Finale, you let me down even further! No No No, Lady Mary does not deserve to end up with Matthew. She deserves to live miserably ever after with Sir Richard and reap the life she sowed. In fact, Season 2, you were better suited for regular daytime TV then the erudite programming of Masterpiece Theater.

If I wrote Downton Abbey Season 2 …

1- Sir Richard would have had a hand in the appearance of Peter/Patrick Gordon. Matthew would have been missing in the war for much longer and Peter/Patrick’s arrival would be timed accordingly. It would be Sir Richard’s grand scheme to dethrone Matthew as the heir. And amnesia, really? Amnesia!? Ok, who let the writers of General Hospital on the set?

2- Sir Richard would also be responsible for Vera Bate’s death just to spite the family and cause more scandal. He would have promised the family protection and saved Bates from prison and the gallows so that Lady Mary would be indebted to him forever. And ever.

3- Thomas would have gone on to be Sir Richard’s valet and the three of them; Richard, Mary, and Thomas, would make the unholy trinity. Mary would come to tolerate Richard and the two would become an Evil Power Couple causing the ruin of anyone who dared cross them.

4- Lavinia never would have been in the series. Matthew would have started to have feelings for Sybil after he rescued her from that melee and nursed her bruised head. Mary would then turn her venom on Sybil with the aid of Evil Richard.

5- Isobel Crawley would have died of influenza – just because she annoys me.

6- Branson would have immediately been dismissed from the household after his vile soup concoction instead of making viewers suffer his constant whining and pining in the Grantham garage.

7- All the soap opera theatrics would have been canned. Part of the reason so many people fell in love with the characters was their ability to maintain a stiff upper lip in the most dire of circumstances, often to comical results. Season 2 was far too melodramatic and, dare I say, emo. Especially I-Don’t-Deserve-Happiness Matthew. Good Lord, man up ole chap.

Dry your eyes, Matthew. At least you can be “properly married” now.

8- Oh, and I would make kind and loyal Carson Mary’s real father, conceived during that first awkward year of Robert and Cora’s marriage. It would explain his devotion to her.

9- I would have also given Branson to Edith instead, if just to shut up her crying, and they would have had a big fat scandalous Catholic wedding in Dublin.

10- and the whole thing would have ended with a fantastic duel on the front lawn of Downton Abbey – The End.

Browse Our Archives

What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Tanya

    A duel and a Catholic wedding! Smashing, dahling!

  • tj.nelson

    No, no, no.  It ended beautifully. 

    • If by beautiful you mean sentimentally contrived and sappy, then yes.  

  • Mark Abeln

    My first disappointment was “Where is the abbey?” And the Benedictine monks? Oh yeah, I forgot about that evil usurper, Henry VIII. No abbey, how disappointing. 

    My problem with the series is that it is full of drama and gossip (almost to a painful degree), and not nearly enough action, mystery, and international intrigue. The WWI scenes were limited and hardly showed much heroics, cowardice and courage under fire. A dozen episodes could have been done on it.

    Here are my suggestions for improvement:

    – Bates finds a hidden cache of Viking gold in a vast underground tomb, guarded by numerous clever traps and the undead, defeating them, and thereby becoming incredibly wealthy. After he goes into prison, he uses the greed and scheming of Thomas to good use, paying him to arrange for a complex and dramatic prison escape.

    – Carson is an amateur sleuth, solving murder mysteries and other dastardly crimes that occur each week, using his psychological skill as a butler to know ahead of time what someone wants.

    – Lord Grantham becomes a spy, traveling into the heart of enemy Germany where he assassinates the Kaiser. Lady Mary, following in her father’s footsteps, goes to Japan to learn the secrets of becoming a ninja.

    – Sir Richard is revealed to be an arch-villain, and attempts to take over the world by sending fleets of giant steampunk zeppelins to attack the capital cities. Mary and Matthew are sent by His Majesty to stop him. They get captured, but evade Richard’s evil plan of having them dropped into a tank full of piranhas.

    – Season finale would show a rip in the space time continuum, releasing waves of jet fighter craft, piloted by vampire Nazi robots. They attack Downton Abbey to ensure that the Third Reich wins WWII, by trying to kill the one person who is ultimately responsible for Hitler’s defeat — Daisy.

    – Season 3 will feature Chuck Norris and Jessica Alba as Lord Buck and Lady Dominique.

    • Brilliant. A show that would have a captive audience every week.  

    • Tanya

      you had me at “undead”

  • Rachel Harold

    What a great list!  I agree…and would love to see your version.  

  • I completely agree with #2 & #5 made me laugh so much.  Oh how I can’t stand Matthew’s pity-me dialog!  Let’s just hope Season 3 will more to our expectations. 

  • They should let you write Season 4, Katrina!

  • I don’t get what your beef with Branson is – I find him adorable. But, yes, Mary’s brows do seem to have a life of their own, probably because she’s an uppity minx. BTW, speaking of the undead, why did they keep making Matthew look like a vampire… like in the pic above? So pale…  

  • gina101

    Isobel annoyed you?  I pity her!  Wish the best for her!  Self-righteous Sybil annoyed me.  Glad she married the chauffeur and left the set!
    Meanwhile, love love love Mary and soo glad for that ending…as it was the only thing that for me saved this wretched, soapy, sappy second season to be made worse by the addition next season of what’s her nine-lives face.  Ugh.

  • gina101

    Oh, wait!  Nope!  Got the names mixed up.  Yes, Isobel, dead of the flu!  Agree that should have happened, but then how much more annoyingly self-pitying would Matthew become?  Bleh.
    I was meaning I pity Edith.  Poor, homely Edith.  🙂 

  • Gayle

    The story may have needed help but I thought the acting was fantastic.