Shameless beggars and candy opportunists…

… What has happened to my beloved Halloween?! Who are these entitled beggars shuffling up to the door? Kids don’t even try anymore. And young ladies, there are plenty of things you can be for Halloween besides naked.

Your amateurism has forced me to lay down some guidelines for next year.

1- putting random shit on your head does not a costume make. If you are wearing street clothes and a mask you will not get a single piece of candy from me.

2 – If you can legally drive a car or purchase birth control you are too old for trick or treating. Get off my lawn, no candy for you!

3- Parents. No candy for you! Period. Get your grabby hands out of the candy bowl. You’re stealing from the children. And I do not believe for one minute you are collecting candy for your baby. Babies don’t eat candy. Grow up and get off my lawn.

4- If you’re a young lady dressed as a whore for Halloween; no candy for you. Get off my lawn and put some clothes on.

5- If you’re too cool to say “Trick or treat” and “thank you” even with feigned enthusiasm – screw you. No candy for you.

Why are you still on my lawn?

P.S. – This is the only exception I am willing to make for the adult candy rule.

P.P.S. – I will collect soy sauce and hot mustard packets throughout the year to give to un-costumed teens and greedy adults. Thanks, E.B., for the brilliant suggestion.