Oh, you’re still single. Let me fix that …

Oh, you’re still single. Let me fix that … November 21, 2014

… Thanksgiving is next week. You know what that means.

Single ladies, brace yourselves. Annoyingly intrusive questions about your personal life are coming to a Thanksgiving dinner table near you.


You can grimly smile and nod through another holiday get together or you can proactively shut them up once and for all.


Introducing… Rent an ex-felon boyfriend.

It’s Thanksgiving. Want to skip that long, insulting conversation about how you’re still single? About how your parents really want more grandchildren?


Well, look no further!

I am a 28 year old felon with no high school degree, and a dirty old van one year younger than me painted like Eddie Van Halen’s guitar. I can play anywhere between the ages of 20 and 29 depending on if i shave. I’m a line cook and work late nights at a bar. If you’d like to have me as your stictly platonic date for Thanksgiving, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you, to torment your family, I’m game.

I can do these things, at your request:

openly hit on other female guests while you act like you dont notice.

start instigative discussions about politics and/or religion.

propose to you in front of everyone.

pretend to be really drunk as the evening goes on…

Start an actual, physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the front lawn for all the neighbors to see.

Amazingly, his services are free (he’s just in it for a free meal) but I can see him becoming quite lucrative during Christmas, New Year’s, wedding season, and family reunions. He could easily be charging a $100 bucks an hour for the service of finally getting your busy body family off your back.

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