I am a horrible, horrible parent…

… In case you weren’t aware, I loathe television. I especially loathe the T.M.I. commercials for things like erectile dysfunction medication and feminine hygiene products. It’s because of the latter I may have inadvertently told my son women lay eggs. I just got so flustered. What do you say when your nine year old son asks what tampons are?

I tried to handle his question with maturity, but yeah. Who are we kidding here?

The Boy: Mom, what are tampons for?

The Mom: Well… they are for women… for when, you know… we bleed. Like a band-aid for our … um. No. that’s not it. Wait. What?

The Boy: Huh? Why can’t you use regular band-aids?

The Mom: There for a different kind of thing. You see …[taking deep breath and trying to sound all clinical & nurse-y like]… for a woman to have a baby she needs to have her egg fertilized and when it’s not she bleeds every month.

The Boy: [Absolutely freaked out and bugged eyed] WHAT?!? You have eggs?!?! You mean like chickens?! And they’re …. *gasp* bloody eggs?!? Geesh, mom! Girls are nasty! Are you even human!?

The Mom: Mother of God, what have I done?! I mean, that’s not what I mean at all. Wait. Come back!

The Boy: [runs screaming from the room]

Either I’m the worst parent ever or the most diabolical. It was like some horrible out of body experience where I heard the words coming out of my mouth and immediately thought “Oh no!” but was helpless to stop talking. Now neither of us can un-hear them and we are both thoroughly traumatized.