The following is from Kerry Thornley’s introduction to the Fifth Edition of the Principia Discordia. The video below is me reading it at my talk “Discordianism Through Its Literature at the Starwood Festival last summer.
We asked Goddess if She, like God, had an Only Begotten Son. She assured us that She did and gave His name as Emperor Norton I – whom we assumed was probably some Byzantine ruler of Constantinople. Diligent research eventually turned up the historical Norton, as we call Him, in the holy city of San Francisco – where He walked his faithful dog along Market Street scarcely more than a century ago.
Gregory Hill has since become the world’s foremost authority on Joshua A. Norton who, on September 17th of 1859, crowned Himself the Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico. Just before then, He vanished for a number of days – perhaps into the wilderness where maybe He was tempted by the Devil, probably to organize His life and get His affairs in order.
Certainly they looked like that’s what they needed. For on the day before his disappearance Norton, heretofore little more than a successful businessman, cornered the rice market – only to be foiled by the unscheduled arrival of a whole shipload of rice from the Orient. A lesser man would have been thrown out of step by that event which for Him became a step to the throne.
When the U.S. Congress failed to obey His Majesty’s Royal Order to assemble in the San Francisco Opera House, Norton fired every last member of that rebellious organization. Thus, the people of San Francisco knew better than to incute His Imperial wrath. His Royal Decrees were printed free of charge in the newspapers, the currency He issued was accepted in the saloons, local shopkeepers paid the modest taxes He occasionally demanded and on at least one occasion a tailor furnished Him with a new set of Royal finery.
Although a madman, Norton wrote letters to Abraham Lincoln and Queen Victoria which they took seriously.
One night a gang of vigilantes gathered for a pogrom against San Francisco’s Chinatown. All that stood in their way was the solitary figure of Norton. A sane man would not have been there in the first place. A rational man would have tried to reason with them. A moralist would have scolded them. A man as daft as Norton usually seemed would have loudly ordered them to cease and desist in the name of His Royal Imperial authority. All such tacks would probably have been futile, and Norton resorted to none of them.
He simply bowed His head in silent prayer.
The vigilantes dispersed.
Discordians believe everybody should live like Norton.
So write your legislative representatives demanding harsh laws with teeth in them requiring people of all faiths – especially Christians and especially on Sunday – to live as Joshua A. Norton did.
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In