The Unnatural Act of Forgiveness

The Unnatural Act of Forgiveness February 21, 2012

A fight breaks out between two preschoolers. The parents or caregivers break up the fight and insist that the children tell each other they are sorry. On the rarest of occasions is there a sincere “I really am sorry I did that. I was wrong. Please forgive me.” Usually, for the children involved it is just an exercise in saying the right words to keep from getting into even more trouble. Inside, the little ones are screaming “It wasn’t MY fault!!!!!”

Those insincere apologies grow in sophistication as we grow older, but they still do little for bringing about real reconnection when a relationship has soured. Here are just a few of the worst apologies I’ve heard (and have offered myself) over the years

  • “I’m sorry you misunderstood me. I apologize.”
  • “Did I do something I need to apologize for? If so, please tell me.”
  • “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt.”
  • “Please forgive me in advance for what I’m about to say (or do).”
  • “I’m sorry I lost my temper/broke the ____ (you fill in the blank)/hit you. But if you had only listened to me in the first place, it never would have happened.”

After the apology, the wronged one is faced with either offering unsatisfactory, forced forgiveness or having it said about him or her, “Well, I said I was sorry but he/she wouldn’t forgive me!”

Frankly, it is a wonder that any hurts are ever healed.

The painful truth: the act of offering forgiveness is the act of doing the unthinkable. It means releasing another person forever—without strings—from our right to take vengeance of any form. So we not only step away from our ability to bring punishment or retribution, but also from talking about the offense uninvited or using the offense as a justification for our own future decisions.

Real forgiveness comes from the soul without waiting until the offender offers an appropriate apology, simply because most apologies are like the ones above. They actually tend to put the blame on the person who has been wronged and exacerbate the hurt.

Real forgiveness does not mean to forget. “Forgive AND forget” calls for a near-impossibility when we have been badly hurt or lied to or betrayed.

Real forgiveness does mean that each time the offense comes to mind, we intentionally and fully set it down.

Real forgiveness does not mean that there are no consequences to actions chosen by the wrongdoer. When a loved one has been killed by a drunken driver, or someone has mugged you and stolen your belongings, or abducted one of your children, the larger society must step in with proper assessment of the perpetrator’s crime and take appropriate disciplinary actions, sometimes including incarceration.

Real forgiveness does not necessarily mean complete reconciliation or restoration of a highly vulnerable trust relationship. Even the most sincere apology coupled with the greatest willingness to forgive does not instantly negate behavioral patterns that continue to cause harm. Sometimes people must separate from one another.

Real forgiveness does not whitewash the wrongness of the act or the evil that may be present in the one who has brought the hurt. Forgiveness itself cannot be authentic and life-changing when truth remains hidden about the fullness and the consequences of the wrongful actions.

Real forgiveness is an unnatural act. Why? Because we are most like the Holy One when we do this. Everything in us fights against offering such unearned grace, yet when we ourselves receive that same unearned grace, we are set free.

Real forgiveness changes us and the world around us.

This is the Good News so often spoken of. This is how we pass it on.

We are indeed called to this unnatural and almost impossible act. Learning the practice of forgiveness is the first step to peace that passes all understanding.


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