When an “anybody but Donald” is married to an “anybody but Hillary,” Part One

As a country, we appear to have a problem with strong female leadership. Countless words have filled libraries and airways about the terms that admire powerful males turn to disparagement when referring to the same power in females.

I’m a retired clergywoman, and most of us who have entered that male-dominated field also found ourselves the victim of an unspoken, or very much spoken on occasion, sexism. Our hair, clothes, weight, complexion, voice tones, attractiveness etc. all receive far more scrutiny than that of our male colleagues. We’re left out of the golf/scotch/cigar times when so much real business takes place. The double standard never really leaves us. This article by a woman from the Kennedy clan sums up the situation decently. Her opinions are buttressed by much research.

So, let us return to the problem of Donald/Hillary in this household.

When Donald first entered the candidacy, I, along with many others, dismissed him as impossible. I was also so appalled at his view of women that I started to feel personally assaulted every time his name was mentioned. When it became apparent that he was going to take the nomination, I found myself distressed–I took the affront personally.

And each time my “anybody but Hillary” spouse expressed certainty that Donald would defeat her, I found my ire rising and my generally dormant abilities for angry discussion suddenly awaking and attacking with fury. Since it was personal to me, I would make it personal to him.

And that is not a good idea.

I choose to listen–and asked to be listened to.

In time, I began to understand why a businessman such as he would have deep distrust of a political party that wants more governmental power. In time, I began to understand why he would think that someone who had, as we thought, successfully run businesses might do a better job in Washington. I watched as my love battled state-run corrupt bureaucracies as they drained millions of dollars out of a corporation and into their never-filled personal pockets. Through him, I’ve made friends in high places who helped open my eyes wider into the reality of serious governmental overreach.

By listening, I saw things I did not know or understand before.

Unquestionably, it is harder for him to listen to me than me to him, but he is learning. He has begun to understand how I perceive Donald as the nation’s pillaging rapist, my deep distress over his lack of a formed character. He appreciates with greater clarity my own passion for the poor, the outcast, for those who have no access to rivers of hope, to ladders of attainment.

We also learned that arguments about the respective abilities of Hillary/Donald to lead the country got us nowhere. It became clear: neither of us could change the mind of the other.

We reached an impasse.

A couple of weeks ago, we headed to a south Texas beach for a few days just to relax before a needed foot surgery for him and a summer of complex recuperation. By mutual agreement, we decided not to talk, watch or read politics the time we were away.

We enjoyed a lovely, peaceful, removed from the “real world” vacation, as time away ought to be.

We’re back now, back to newspapers and TV, back to conventions and craziness. On this day we officially celebrate US independence, I woke to a wild thunderstorm and found myself musing on the importance of the political process, on the necessity of conversation and exploration.

This democratic process of ours has always been filled with vitriol, with exaggeration, with mud spatters and character assassinations. Every candidate has some element of corruption, although it would be pure ignorance that would say all are equally corrupt. Most candidates are somewhat narcissistic by nature and love the public stage, particularly as the press has become less respectful but more intrusive and as privacy becomes far more difficult to obtain.

All candidates are flawed as is the political process itself. After all, these are human institutions and thus subject to all the brokenness, ambition, power-hungry madness, craziness, hope for the future and confidence in change that permeates our human existence, especially in the United States.

So, for the moment, we live in peace with one another, not insisting the other inhabit our own worlds. I overhear his political conversations with friends and colleagues about the horrors of Hillary, wisely keeping my mouth shut. I converse with my friends, particularly over facebook, as we trade memes back and forth over the dumbness of Donald, but never send them on to my beloved.

But we both know what stays unspoken here. And this will be a fascinating set of election months as “anybody but Hillary” and “anybody but Donald” seek to live in peace with one another.