Dear Thoughtful Pastor: A few weeks ago, I’d been suffering with a bad headache that had gone on for several weeks. During that time, my husband got an email from a man who used to go to the church where my husband’s a minister, This man had left due to theological differences.
He told my husband that he and several members of his family would like to come to my house and pray for me when I am at home alone, i.e., my children gone from the house. The email instructed (not asked) my husband to let him know when they could come around.
My husband didn’t tell me about this until a few days later and after he’d replied after stewing over it for four days.
He had started several responses, wanting to tell them all the levels of wrongness with approaching him in this way and wondering why they didn’t email me directly, but ended up taking the line that life’s too short and just said I was better and if they wanted to pray, they could stay at home and do it.
The whole thing made me quite angry, but also very glad that my husband responded as he did, and sparing me from dealing with it when feeling so ill.
I still don’t know whether there was a “more right” way of handling that situation. Should he have handed the email over to me in order to show that I’m not a helpless victim of the machinations of other people? Should he have responded with a longer message, explaining how he felt that the original email was disrespectful to me and inappropriate in various ways? Or did he, in fact, do the only thing he could do, in that he kept the peace without causing offence, while making the situation clear?
Your husband sounds like a kind, caring man who handled this well, particularly considering the history between he and the person who sent the email.
While the offer to pray may have been well-meaning, it appears to carry two subtexts: one, you are not capable of speaking for yourself; two, you and your husband are not able to pray effectively, probably because of your theology. Because of those subtexts, I found my own ire rising when I read your question.
Your husband spent a lot of energy wrestling with the response. I agree it was certainly best not to enter into toe-to-toe combat. Yes, he could have said much more, but I admire his willingness to discard his original responses and take the high road. He avoided taking the bait which might have led to battle.
I’m guessing there are layers of hurt underneath this–particularly the emailer’s reasons for leaving the church your husband pastors. Often when people leave for theological reasons, they leave in their wake a fair amount of unexpressed bitterness and unresolved anger. Best to let it lie. It may heal in time. Even if it doesn’t, this was not the time or place to fan the flames.
[Note: a version of this column is scheduled to run in the July 8, 2016 edition of the Denton Record Chronicle. The Thoughtful Pastor, AKA Christy Thomas, welcomes all questions for the column. Although the questioner will not be identified, I do need a name and verifiable contact information in case the newspaper editor has need of it. Please email questions to: thoughtfulpastor@gmail.com.]
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