I have an estranged parent who was emotionally abusive to me growing up, and still is when they get the chance. I was talking to someone (a Christian) the other day about it and they said something along the lines of ‘we just need to reach out in love’, that that will heal the relationship; i.e. we both have to do our parts and meet halfway. Which means that we both have the same distance to walk – as if the damaged relationship has been broken equally.
But it hasn’t. And it makes me really angry when both sides are treated equally. It minimizes my pain and trauma and reduces the real obligation on the parent to get help. This kind of thinking distorts what abuse is, it ignores power differences, and acts as if all we need is to give a little more nuance to the situation. And when we say things like ‘there are 3 sides to every story’, all we are doing is flattening out injustice. It’s a way of naming the problem without holding anyone accountable, which of course, leaves no true way of fixing it.
Another term for this, which has started popping up in the news lately, is false equivalency. I’ve started seeing people write about this as it pertains to politics, talking about Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton not being equals. Because when you act as if they are, you act as if his obvious hate, bigotry, sexism, etc, are on the same moral level as her political mistakes. It normalizes his behavior.
But it isn’t normal – or at least, it shouldn’t be. Essentially trafficking women is not the same thing as mishandling email. When we conflate the two, how do we know where we should put our energy? Because there are people that need us to pick and choose our battles and places to take a stand. People who need us to decide what is right and wrong, what is healthy and unhealthy behavior. The pain inflicted by an oppressive person is not the same pain they feel when the victim sets boundaries or holds them accountable for their actions.
Growing up conservative did not give me the tools for this. I was taught that essentially, all sins were equal. Sure, murder might be worse than hating someone, but if you hate, you’re a murderer in your heart, so basically, same thing. Jesus said it, so it’s true, right? And it doesn’t really matter anyway, because whatever happens to you, the answer is always to forgive. And love. Because love keeps no record of wrongs. It always hopes. It never fails. So just love everyone. Because you know whatever mean thing they did, they didn’t really mean it. You have to look at their heart. Their intentions were good. Why are you making such a big deal about this anyways? Jesus said to be as gentle as a dove, so WHY AREN’T YOU BEING MORE GENTLE IN YOUR PAIN???
The church did not give me tools on how to handle and evaluate abuse. Or sexism, or racism, or anything else. There was no teaching on what it means to be powerful or powerless. No teaching on consent or the freedom and ability to say I don’t like this. Please don’t talk to me like that. No. There was no concept of boundaries and lines that shouldn’t be crossed.
Looking back, I can see the Christian adults in my life put up with so many things that they shouldn’t have. They didn’t have the tools to set boundaries on my parent when they became disruptive and oppressive in church life and friendships. They let my parent run our pastor out of town, for goodness’ sake. They were too gentle. Too ‘loving’.
It’s easy to see how that way of living crosses over into the political arena. Christians who are voting for Trump are putting up with statements and attitudes from a politician that are morally reprehensible. There are all sorts of reasons why white Christians make up such a large part of his base, but one of them I think has to do with this acceptance of false equivalency that seems to pervade Christian life.
We had a phone conversation the other day with a highly conservative Christian family member who said that voting for Hillary would be like voting for Bill 2.0. And we said yeah, but Trump is Hitler; we’ll take a Clinton over Hitler. And said family member, who agreed with that comparison, was *legitimately conflicted* over who they’re going to vote for.
We need to know where our boundaries are. For ourselves, for our kids, and for our nation. And we need to practice enforcing them. Our kids are going to learn from what we do. And I hope they learn healthy ways of living. Because the last thing we need is for more people to be unable or unwilling to confront injustice.
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