Is ‘The List’ About What You Want in a Spouse Poisoning Your Expectations?

Where It Goes Wrong

The problem comes next. We do not name our vision very well. The List becomes superficial because we do not know how to say what it is we really need, who it is we really are. So, The List ends up being about wanting to marry someone who loves snowboarding or going to movies, etc. We make ‘deal-breakers’ that include physical appearance or demeanor because we do not know how to say what it really is we want and what it really is we are afraid of.

The List, then, becomes a referendum on what we like and dislike. The things we want to be identified as. Having no conception for who specifically this other person might be, we just end up listing what we want out of singlehood rather than what we want out of marriage.

The Set-Up

Unhealthy relationships are a tug-of-war for control. We engage in relationships and play these subtle manipulation games to get what we want, to have things our way. We become frustrated with our partners when they don’t allow us to have our way.

The List is a set-up for this cat-and-mouse game of control. What may have started as an exercise in intentional needs can quickly become a listing of self-preserving wants.

If we find someone lucky enough to meet our stringent requirements, we start to hold them hostage to those requirements. They have to do and be what we want them to do and be to continue proving their value.

This is the often-drank poison of relationships. And The List is a set up for it. If we each come into a relationship holding our list like a scorecard, we end up using reward and coercive power in a daily attempt to get ahead.

If we want to engage in healthy, control-free relationships, we have to strike a balance between sacrifice and affirmation. We have to be able to express our thoughts and desires freely AND receive the expressions of our partner without condemnation. Marriage is a new creation – the old ‘you’ is a building block, one piece of the foundation. Your partner is the other. And from that, you must build a new family together by the choices you make. Marriages fracture when each side of the foundation insists on building straight up.