Is ‘The List’ About What You Want in a Spouse Poisoning Your Expectations?

Search to Define

Here is the truth singles have a hard time understanding: marriage is not about you. It is not about fulfilling your needs or being made complete. It is not about having a spouse to serve you and make you happy. It’s not about having a spouse you can serve to make you happy. It is, in a sense, about all of these things at once. But it is also so much more.

The lie singles most heartily believe is that marriage will help define their purpose and happiness. We make The List to help define what we believe that would entail. But marriage is not going to fix you or save you or define you.

What we need is a healthy dose of self-awareness and a proper understanding of our personal vision. What is it that does define me? If we don’t have this answer before marriage, we won’t find it within.

The List Re-Imagined

The List is not an altogether terrible idea. We just have to be aware of the minefield we are stepping into. A proper perspective on what marriage is and what it is about can make The List a helpful tool in defining expectations. Our lists should include things like ‘a healthy communicator’ and a ‘shared belief system’ – things that align with our personal vision and speak to the deep longings of our soul to live a great life.

You don’t need someone who dresses a certain way or laughs a certain way or likes certain hobbies. You need someone who is capable of choosing love. And someone you are willing to choose to love. The rest is a long and beautiful journey of togetherness.