The relationships we are in often carry some assumptions. We have our own way of thinking about how it all works. But we might not be as right as we think.
Before Copernicus, everyone assumed that the Earth was the center of the universe. It was kind of intuitive. It made a lot of sense. Perspective often becomes reality with little questions asked. But then Copernicus made an incredible discovery. Too incredible for some to believe. The solar system actually centered around the sun.
Searching For An Orbit
Every relationship has to revolve around something. A lot of time, we pick something like a shared interest in something or a mutual physical attraction. The lifeblood of relationship is orbiting. But orbiting what?
The problem with romance is that our superficial orbits prove unsatisfactory. To say it another way; they are not true enough. We need something more. Is there something more? If there isn’t, we likely will bail. If the pair can’t figure out what that orbit is, the relationships will likely end, each jetted out to there own middle space until they find a new gravitational field.
Relationships need an orbit. And oftentimes what happens is that one dominant personality becomes the orbit. The more submissive of the two agrees to this to “keep the peace”. But years lately, passive aggressiveness, adultery, and pent up rage have plagued the relationship.
Neither Me Nor They
Most relationships devolve into figuring out which of the two people will be the center of the universe. We think the relationship must orbit around ME. Or, thinking it shouldn’t be about me, we submit to a passive relationship about “they” in which we are servants more than participants, meant to bleed out. Even this is a strange sort of way of making the relationship about ourselves. We think we aren’t strong enough to carry the weight of gravity or we are afraid or being alone. And so we “agree” to a kind of abuse in order to get what we want from the relationship.
I got a lot of really terrible marriage advice at my wedding. A lot of it was basically this – give in to the battle for who is the center of the system. Let it be her (or him). Life is just easier that way.
Not only is this advice unhelpful, it just plain is not true.
We think that the answer to not fighting for our planet to be the center of the solar system is to capitulate that the universe rotates around another planet. As if Copernicus discovered the most temperamental of the planets must be the center we all turn around.
A True Middle
The true center of the universe is different for every relationship. But it is not either person. The center is a purpose not a personality. It is not simply “love” for we mean a lot of things when we use that word. The emotion of love is only part of it and it cannot be the center. Naming the manifestation of love that is the true and real purpose of the relationship is the only way to discover what is deeply real and true about the relationship you are in (in our marriage it is ‘Unity’).
Can you imagine what it was like for Copernicus to make his presentation? What must it have been like to hear it for the first time? It must have seemed like lunacy.
But that is exactly what our relationships need. A revolution. A new perspective. A radical change to the way we think. A discovery of deeper truth and understanding about the nature of love and relationship.