I’m Out of Control!

The myth of control is perhaps the most common idol. It is everywhere. We try to control our circumstances, people’s perception of us, and the outcomes of every facet of our lives. Chasing control is what got humanity in trouble in the first place. Adam and Eve wanted to be ‘like God’. Cain was worried about his inadequate offering so he killed his brother to try to re-orient the narrative in his favor. The tower of Babel is about control. The golden calf is about control. The Pharisees’ persecution of Jesus is about control.

The thread travels through history all the way to my own doorstep. I think things would be so much better if I were in control. I fight for control in my relationships. I fight for control in my job.

All of the fighting is like punching the wind. Every time I feel like I have some semblance of control, it slips through my hands like I am trying to grasp water.

Out of Control

Most humans never get passed this mindset. We are always trying to get control, always lamenting at our lack of it. We dress it up all sorts of ways. We put a spiritual mask in front of it, amongst a myriad of others. The harsh truth is that we are not in control and will never be.

Our attempts at control are futile. Try as we might, there are limits to our ability, not to mention our understanding. We cannot control what people do. We cannot control what others think or believe. We cannot force a circumstance to follow our plan to the desire outcome. We are not in control.

It is a cruel twist of fate that the harder we demand control, the more out of control our life becomes. We start drinking to try to numb pain; and then we become addicts. We try to passive-aggressively manipulate our loved ones; then find we have burned the bridges with those we care about the most – and are neither loving or loved. We lie cheat and steal in order to succeed; then it fails. Or, worse yet, it works but we come to understand the cost we paid was our character and it pollutes our worldly success.

The more out of control we feel, the more we try to grasp control. To try to get back to okay. And the more we spiral. It is an unfortunate cycle.

The true cure to regaining control is letting go of what we cannot control and stepping into the responsibility of who we are.

Just Three Things

Like all sinful things, our compulsion for control is based on a good, healthy desire that we have perverted and taken too far. The need is to feel a sense of purpose, to be significant and contribute to the world we live in.

So the fact that we cannot control everything does not mean we cannot control anything. There are three things we can control. And none of them are external. We are meant to control – or, if you prefer, steward or take responsibility of – our own character. When we try to control external circumstances, relationships, and situations, what we are really doing is trying to outsource the responsibility of ourselves. We try to make it an external thing rather than dealing with the troubling reality of our own thoughts and behaviors.

The three things we can control are: our attitude; our choices; and whom we trust. We cannot control where these controls lead. We cannot control how others will respond or the outcomes our choices will produce.

Not being able to control our circumstances is a devastating reality. People we love will get hurt and so will we. We will be offended and taken advantage of, ignored and undervalued. It sucks. But the key is to not let the sad realities we cannot control affect the few we can. Our circumstances are not justification for poor character. We need to own what we can control.

In a weird sort of way, not being in control is a blessing. It allows us to accept reality, for one. It allows us to forgive without holding grudges or demanding certain things from people and circumstances. It allows us the freedom to live. Because being angry about being out of control is mostly about holding ourselves hostage to our circumstances. We cannot control our circumstances and they cannot control us. But, we are free to make our choices, come what may.