The Danger of Vulnerability

There are few things we want more than vulnerability. We want to be consistent and true to who we are. Our world is a mash up of factors that keep us from the truth. We believe lies, chase mirages, and confuse acceptance and approval.

Vulnerability is the key to community. It is a key to many internal ills as well. But it comes at a price.

There are reasons vulnerability is so illusive in our world. There are reasons we talk a lot about it but rarely step into it. Vulnerability is a minefield of danger and before we enter into it, we have to weight the potential consequences.

Rejection

Our biggest fear is rejection. We are worried we will put ourselves out there and people will not like what they see. They will reject who we are. It is much easier to hide, to show a carefully constructed mask that serves two purposes: first, we can tailor it to our audience and second, if it gets rejected, it wasn’t really us to begin with, at least not in any significant way.

The first concern about vulnerability is safety. Our relationships and communities usually take time to establish a rapport, a trust, a measure of safety before we really get vulnerable, letting the mask slide off.

If we step forward in vulnerability, we run the risk of rejection. Always. No matter how much of a rapport has been established. We like to play these little games where we try to eliminate the danger of vulnerability, we try to guarantee we won’t be rejected. But exposing the truth is deep and meaningful and dangerous. Dangerous in the sense we might be rejected for something that matters greatly to us.

There is a right and a wrong time for vulnerability. A right and wrong place. As we discern whether or not it is proper, we have to weight the potential of criticism/rejection with the potential of silencing our true thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

One-Way

Vulnerability is a strange thing. In one way, it is solely about the individual. It is about being who we are, no matter what. It’s about saying the thing. And nobody is responsible for that other than the self to whom the thoughts and feelings belong.

On the other hand, vulnerability is a team sport. By definition, it needs community to happen. It exists so that groups of people can discover truth together. Doing so intimately connects us with one another.

One of the dangers of stepping forward in vulnerability is not having it reciprocated. It’s another sort of rejection to just have people shrug or not respond to what you have shared.

We often hold our vulnerability hostage to what we imagine (or have seen) our group response will be. Or we wait until someone else starts. We don’t want to be the first domino because there is a real chance we will fall flat and alone.

This fear is moving us closer to victim mentality. We will be vulnerable only after others do. And since they are thinking the same thing, nobody is vulnerable. It is a strange sort of discomfort to be in a group where it is clear everyone wants vulnerability but nobody wants to be vulnerable.

With these real dangers and considerations in play, it is still almost always the right choice to be vulnerable. Even if it does fall flat, you are rejected, or it is not reciprocated. Vulnerability is about who you are. Not how others will respond.