Evaluating Boundaries

Every once in a while, it is important for us to take stock of our boundaries and readjust as necessary.

We do this in our marriage.

There are two times we evaluate boundaries. The first is in response to a current boundary being crossed. And the second is when we decide to do a sort of check-up with ourselves (and our relationship) to see where things are. It goes without saying the latter is much more effective than the former.

Reacting to Consequences

The thing about reacting to a crossed boundary is it is really about reacting to an experienced consequence. We encounter consequences almost immediately after we cross the line.

And so, when we sit down to talk about where things went wrong and what we need to do to fix it, our analysis is a bit muddled. We want to avoid the consequence we are currently experiencing. Which is not the same thing as wanting to uphold a boundary based on our values.

We will likely end up setting boundaries that are misdirected or too tight.

Of course, this is not necessarily the case. Reacting to consequences is exactly what they are there for. If we steward the response well, it can be a path toward healthy boundaries.

Intentional Living

But we are suggesting here there is a better, more effective way.

I was reading a book about World War 2 the other day and it was talking about how one of the reasons Hitler was so wildly successful in the beginning of the war was because his enemies had won World War 1. Hitler had adapted and changed the way he did things. The Allied forces largely depended on the same tactics that won them the previous war – and why not? They had won doing this. Why would they change it?

France set up their defenses based on the way they had been attacked in the first Great War. And it was part of the reason they were occupied.

The point is that sometimes what has worked for us in the past is not the best practice for the present.

Last year, Kylie and I worked from home on Wednesdays. We loved it. Work two days in the office. Have a day from home. Finish the week with two more days in. Pretty sweet. We fought hard to protect that Wednesday. But in this new semester, lots of things are coming up on Wednesdays and it is getting harder to protect. Having a day out of office is worth the fight for us. But we started to notice our Thursdays were getting much lighter (everything moving to Wednesday!). It made much more sense for us to shift to a new practice this semester.

A lot of times we set up boundaries that are very helpful for the time and season we are in. But when we transfer seasons, sometimes our boundaries need to be reevaluated. And they need to before the wheels come off and the consequences matriculate.

We participate in truth by measuring small and often. It is not that the truth changes, but that our experience with the truth evolves. It twists and turns and dips. We change seasons, experience diverse circumstances, and get to know one another better.

It is a good practice to evaluate your boundaries often. Talk to your partner. Talk to your team. Make sure you have boundaries that are not just set for the season you are in but are based on the truth of your values (and funnel you toward your vision).