The Value Proposition Within Your Relationship Conflicts

When we hear the word “conflict”, most of us associate it with a negative connotation. Even those who secretly love conflict pretend they are championing some other virtue and conflict obsession is just a side effect. We have a certain perspective on conflict in our society.

That perspective is that conflict should be avoided at nearly all costs. The only time conflict is justified is when ultimate truth is at stake. Unfortunately, we are getting further and further from a consensus on when that line is crossed and, therefore, are more and more engaged with conflict.

What is interesting about conflict is that it is not inherently good or evil. It is not, in and of itself, either bad or good. Conflict is neutral. It is the way in which we engage with conflict that turns it one way or the other. And, unfortunately, we are terrible at engaging with conflict in a way that fosters positive results.

The Value of Conflict

There are two things that make conflict valuable. First, it deepens intimacy. Going through something challenging binds us together. This is why the TV show The Biggest Loser has resulted in more marriages than The Bachelor. I was watching something about the show Survivor and was shocked at how many marriages have resulted from people who met in the unflattering circumstances of a deserted island.

Going through hard things forces us to work together. It strips us of our carefully constructed egos, pulls away our masks, and pushes us into the kind of vulnerability that requires a community to resolve.

The second way conflict is valuable is related. When you strip humans down to their most basic forms, there are only a few things universally true of all of us. One of those is that we long to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. Conflict pushes us past our comfortable isolationism and into something bigger than any one of us – human relationship. The reason we form organizations and seek companionship is not just to feed a desire for some need within us. It is because we want to be a part of something greater than ourselves.

Conflict, with all of its difficulty and emotion, is an invitation to do just that. It stretches us. It forces us into communication. It exposes our values. And in the end, these roads are the only way to participate in something beyond our one lonely human existence.

Where We Go Wrong

So, where do we go wrong? It is simple enough. We adopt the false perspective that our relationship is about ME. That it exists to validate ME, to edify ME, and to support ME. After all, most of us went looking for a relationship for selfish reasons. We wanted someone to make us feel a certain way; we wanted to stave off loneliness and feel cared for by another person. Deeper than those needs, we also want to be challenged by others and we want someone we can love. But we too often push these needs aside for the louder, more obvious ones.

Too many relationships in the modern world are a boxing match. Each person is trying to take as much from the other person as possible while simultaneously giving away as little as they can. Conflict, in this context, takes that rift, exposes it, and splits the gap even wider. It is like driving a wedge into a small crack.

If we want to redeem our relationships, grow in intimacy, and experience the sense of purpose for which we truly long, we have to be intentional about the way we approach and resolve conflict. Accepting its value and our part to play in seeing it play out.