Relationships: Stop making them wrong and yourself right

I just read something that was sent to me, it read, “when you are in a relationship and you are wrong about something admit it, on the other hand if you are right keep quiet and move on, relationships are a team not a competition.”  In working with couples, the biggest communication break down is misunderstanding. That’s all. Either one just needs to be a little clear without imposing a view on the other.  Understanding comes first in understanding yourself, knowing yourself, as you become clear on who you are, relationships become clear.  Most relationships are built on a concept of prove it to me. Because people’s ego’s have been hurt in relationships they enter a relationship with the idea of  being hurt.    When you enter a relationship in defense or lack of trust, then it becomes a slippery slope.  You become pride filled and above the other person. As they get close you pull away, and make them prove their trust.  Over and over.  You may say to them you would like something, lets say to watch a specific movie, so your partner gets the movie and you decide that wasn’t enough, your not satisfied, your partner has not met your expectation, even though that is what you said.. So you withhold from them till they shower you with gifts to prove they are good enough for you.  This push and pull is considered normal in relationships, with constant tests, mind created expectations, manipulating the other, and control all of which come form lack of understanding the self and your partner.  When you choose not to understand your partner then right and wrong become weapons.  “I told you, you should’ve done what I said, you are wrong, I am right,” really just old unresolved hurts, mistrust, of what. Of life. As you understand yourself, you understand life has seasons, changes, grows, moves forward, and is patient.  Some relationships can’t move forward because one partner is unwilling to move, they seem stuck in the past, concerned and comparing what it used to be, rather than enjoying the journey.  People addicted to love and loving, create drama in a relationship where there simple is none.  They need the excitement of something, so rather than enjoying right now, they create in their mind obstacles to get over, problems to work on, push the other away, some will flirt with others right in front of their mate, and even partake in scandalous relationships, just so they can satisfy their urge for heightened energy.

There is really nothing exciting about being right and making someone else wrong, or making someone prove that they love you over and over again. In fact it is tiring and so most relationships end, rather than nurture each other.  A relationship is like breathing, it needs the space to expand and contract, and know both is okay.

Another reason relationships take a turn is the lack of understanding and compassion for each other. You think that would be present but because people are not present with each other, they create problems.  How wonderful to sit and laugh for the night.  One of the biggest problems is the comparison game. Some partners compare others relationships to their partner,  “If you don’t full fill my needs then I am out the door, you know so and so my last boyfriend had this, you don’t have it.”

How quickly you can stop and be with yourself through out the day would make an incredible difference in the relationship. Find things you appreciate about your partner, find the good, stop pointing out what isn’t working, and look what is, improve communication by not putting them down and expecting them to read your mind. People cannot read your mind, so let them know what is going on, give up telling your partner about all your relationships, and respect who you are with. When you are away from each other enjoy that time, so when you come back together you can enjoy that too.  If you find yourself away and want to know if what you are doing is the right thing, ask yourself, “Would I be doing this if my partner was with me now?” If not, please walk away form the situation.  Keep things simple. Spend time meditating together rather then watching TV. Find space where you are not working all the time and checking your cell phone. Checking your cell phone in front of your partner all the time, gives off the impression there is something better than this in your life. The grass is not greener, trust my experience with clients. What you have should be honored from both parties, not one.

Embrace your differences and be happy to explore them.  Save your self the hassle, stop making each other right or wrong and accept the other person where they are. If you want to change your partner, stop, breath, and ask what you can change within yourself. Relationships are not factories of changing, fixing, saving, they are places of exploration. IF your partner is going through something, be with them. Let them experience it.  DON”T TAKE THINGS PERSONAL. If your partner is taking things out on you, maybe it is time to stop, and ask them to take a time out.  I hate to break the news to you, but when you blame, complain, lecture, lash out on your partner, that is yours to own, not theirs, so get real with yourself, and be real.  Your feelings are yours.  OWN THEM.  This is a team, a team of growth, understanding, healing the old, and love. Love is kind, generous, and giving, not taking, and remember the quicker you appreciate them the quicker the relationship will return to love.

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