The Real Reason Televangelists Need Their Own Private Planes

Remember a few months ago when Creflo Dollar tried to raise $65 million for a private jet he claimed he desperately needed?

His personal petition was quickly taken down amid a firestorm of condemnation from the Christian world. No worries, though. His church board had his back. Shortly after Dollar was forced to pull down his personal plea for cash, the board of World Changers Church International announced that they would be purchasing the plane anyway.

Now, I’ve always assumed the Scamgelist™ “need” for a private jet was the height of sanctified materialism.

But it turns out I was wrong.

Thanks to the insight of Dollar’s fellow Scamgelists™ Kenneth Copeland and Jesse Duplantis, I’ve learned that there is a totally legitimate reason why these guys need their own private planes.

You see, they can’t fly commercial because commercial planes are nothing more than “long tube[s] with a bunch of demons” inside them. They need a “sanctuary” that “protects the anointing” God has so clearly laid on their lives.

What they’re saying makes perfect sense.

And it explains why flying is so often such a miserable experience.

It’s not because the TSA is terrible or because there’s no more leg room in coach or because a bottle of water costs $35 inside the terminal.

It’s because airports are temples to Satan and commercial airplanes are the Dark Lord’s preferred method for transporting his demons around the world.

It’s all so clear now.

How did I not see it before??