The Cost of Leaving Christianity

You know sometimes you tell a lie so long, you don’t know when to stop. You don’t know when it’s safe.

When I left the Church I left my career, I left my family, I left my friends, and eventually I left god I left their version of who they taught me god “was, is, and always will be.” I left this because it didn’t feel safe. Instead of feeling safe I just felt trapped. When talking about my frustrations or questions or doubts I would always have to tailor them so that the person listening would be assured I was still on their team. For instance when questioning complimentarianism, I would have to follow it with a “but no matter our roles God has a plan…” It was tiring to live in an environment that the doctrine police were constantly monitoring waiting for any given reason to anathematize you.

I don’t talk with many christians these days my heart just can’t take that kind of beating anymore.

— andy gill (@itsandygill) October 7, 2014

One time a Church I worked for told me they were concerned that I was not as good of a fit as I could be, because I was Asian. Lately, I’ve come to find that they were right. I wasn’t a good fit. Their theology and doctrine was too narrow to fit me inside their world. It was irrelevant to anyone else who wasn’t white, male, straight, or at least willing to accept themselves as subordinate to being exactly what they wanted and evolving into what their socialized construct made you.

We all know and have heard before that this is a fear-driven environment but I’ve found that it’s not only the congregants being led by fear but it’s the leadership that’s truly drowning in fear. I think it was a fear of losing their power, control, or authority because it wasn’t God who gave them their worth, but it was our agreeing to worship their version of “god” that gave them their worth.

Fortunately God’s not that way anymore. I couldn’t go on in life telling this lie any longer, preaching about an authoritarian deistic God. It wasn’t only my doubts on what we were preaching but more about how I was living and who I was becoming. When I was younger I feared hell, but as I grew older I feared the rejection and abandonment of my peers. So I laughed at their jokes, I tailored my questions, I uncomfortably pushed myself into what their social construct was comfortable with seeing me as.

“It’s a key step to becoming the person you truly want to be. And ultimately, the right people will no longer find you to be a disappointment.” – Rob Asgar

I heard once that “Without freedom, there can be no safety and no recovery, [and that] freedom is often achieved at great cost [1].” The cost of me leaving was everything. Quite frankly, I’m still in the thick of dealing with the cost of leaving. To family I am a disappointment. To past professor’s I am a heretic. To friends I’m disloyal. But for me, as for myself… I’m free.

Yes there are times for humility and sacrifice, but humility and sacrifice should never come at the cost of our autonomy and sense of self. Jesus gave His life, but he never sacrificed His autonomy. Through this I’ve discovered that life is less about being who you want to be and more so about becoming who you were created to be. The point is not to fit in, but neither is the point to stand out… The point is to be yourself.

Sometimes you tell a lie so long, you don’t know when to stop. You don’t know when it’s safe. When we truly love ourselves we begin to depart from anything that’s unhealthy for us: relationships, careers, set of beliefs, toxic environments, school, the college you go to… anything that keeps you from being you. The risk of finding freedom is costly and it comes without any guarantee of finding what you’re searching for…

I’d say that it’s less of a search and more of a fight. God knows I intend to find freedom and equality for not just myself but for other’s like myself, either that or I’ll die trying.

[1] Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence–from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror (New York: Basic Books, 1997), 172.