AskAngus16: Tardy, Sticky Ghosts

Agitated: I have just moved into a new place and I think the previous owners left some of their baggage behind. Specifically there is a lingering, creepy energy in one of the rooms. How do you ‘clear’ a room of such ‘stuff’?

Dear Agitated,

Firstly, not all psychic residue is bad. When we moved into our new place Admiral Karen and I did a welcoming ritual throughout the house and discovered that the back bedroom had a young person’s aetheric signature all over it. Charmed by the happy-go-lucky intensity, we left that room intact and then introduced ourselves to the rest of the house.

In your case though a little banishing, or, more specifically ‘reiving’ seems to be in order. (‘Reiving’ is an archaic variant of ‘reave’, meaning “to split, tear or break apart”. Toss that one out at your next cocktail party and impress the impressionable.)

Happily the available literature on house clearing is both broad and deep and quite entertaining. This might be a perfect opportunity to brush up on the Vodoun and Santeria paths, both of which are stuffed with numerous ways to make the baddies go bye-bye.

Now. Assuming we are talking here about minor psychic goo, and not head-spinning, vomit-spewing, ‘your-mother-sews-socks-that-smell’ room possession, the basic recipe is simple. Add, subtract and elaborate from here as you see fit:

  1. Empty the room of all furniture, throw rugs, curtains, wall hangings and pictures. Everything movable, in other words. Dust and wash all of these items.
  2. Thoroughly clean the room from top to bottom, paying particular attention to light fixtures, corners, and window sills, but leaving the floor alone for now (‘Seven African Powers Bath and Floor Wash’ is great for washing walls and ceilings).
  3. Place a lit white candle in each corner, white or black salt along each wall (and the doorway), a lit black or a brown candle in the center.
  4. Now slowly, carefully, draw all the negative energies to the center of the room, and then send them out, through the ceiling, window, or floor. Make sure that you are just directing the goo and not taking it into yourself. (Note: This is not a job for novices. If this step is beyond you, have another member of your pagan community perform this rite.)
  5. Remove all ritual items. Pinch the candle out and bury it in clean, open soil.
  6. And lastly: clean the the hell out of the floor. Ectoplasm and Aetheric grime, like light, has weight, and dislodged from its nest it will drift to the floor. Vacuum with Intent! This will seal the deal.
  7. Leave the door closed and the windows open for a day or two before returning the furniture to the room. As you do so, take a good psychic whiff. Feels good now, doesn’t it?
  8. Bonus maintenance: Make food, music and love in this room within the next moon cycle. Suffuse the room with smells, sounds and positive energies. Flowers and plants in the room will help with long-term care.

Andy: Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Dear Andy,

You, my friend, have stumbled upon one of the great secrets of the universe. Scientists are frantically trying to figure out how bumblebees can fly, why we don’t digest our own stomachs, and what the hell hiccups are – but none of them are daring to tackle the eternal ‘glue conundrum’.

My advice is just to accept the miracle of the glue as it is presented to us everyday. It’s Elmer’s world – we just live in it.

Frannie: I’m so busy! I have way too much to do! Can I add a couple of more hours onto the day?

Dear Frannie,

It’s possible certainly, but mind-bendingly complicated and certainly not advised. Bending the fourth dimension to fashion an artificially long day will only create a well along the time space continuum, and in no time (ha – sorry) a starship from some Star Trek spin-off series will appear in orbit.

Plus your relationships with your fellow humans will suffer, as it will appear that you are moving just a bit slower than everybody else around you. 33rpm long play in a 45rpm  world (if such analogies can still be used).

But all is not lost, Fran: It IS possible to get more out of your day, without temporal time shifting, form-fitting polyester uniforms or awkward dialogue tenses. The answer is to adjust your attitude. Your left-brain is already running white hot, we can’t ask it for much more. But your right-brain has lots of battery life left.

The way to add more hours onto your day is to add more fun and creativity to the ones you already have.

  • Turn your morning commute into an isotonic workout, while you learn a foreign language through the CD player.
  • Stock your cubicle with crayons, dumbells, silly string and a gorilla mask.
  • Learn to play the ocarina during lunch – while you walk.
  • Turn ‘making dinner’ into a window-rattling family dance party.

Now see if your productivity rises at the same rate as your stress level drops.

Happiness is the ultimate temporal shift.

~ Ask Angus

Angus McMahan

@AngusMcMahan

Send your questions to: angusmcmahan@gmail.com

(Photos from beachcombing bizarrehistoryblog, moonslipper.com, humphreysfarm.com [it's a gag item], richtaveras.com and lifestyledzine.files.wordpress.com, respectively.)

About Angus McMahan

Me? I'm just the drummer. Oh, I guess I write funny stuff now and then. When I am not scratching my head at the oddball questions that show up here I am penning witticisms over at http://www.angus-land.com


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