I Hate Blogs that Start With “Random Musings On….”

If we are the Church Militant, then the battleground is the back kitchens of fast-food joints. The following conversations I’ve had are 100% real – I promise – no embellishment- though it is tempting – and all designed to prove to you that apologetics are the most hilarious business we can partake in.

 Me: Today is a kinda, gosh-I-wish-we-served-whiskey-here sort of day.
Billy: (Seriously) Um, that’s a sin.
Me: That’s not what Jesus seemed to think. Wedding at Cana and all?
Billy: Jesus made unfermented grape juice, Marc.
Me: No He didn’t.
Billy: Yeah He did.
Me: No. I’m sorry, that’s ridiculous. Billy, one day you will be held accountable for all the times you’ve neglected to drink.

(Anna and I are sitting in the break room with Carol. Anna is an Evangelical who is aware I am Catholic. Carol is unaware that I am Catholic, as she is of most things, but I do love her dearly.)

Carol: I spent two years in Austria as a missionary.
Me: That’s great!
Carol: Yeah they had some real problems over there.
Me: Yeah? Are they spiritually dying like the rest of Europe? I thought Austria was still very Catholic.
Carol: Exactly. Like 95% Catholic. Terrible, right?
Me: Uh…right.
(Anna is trying hard not to laugh)
Carol: Yeah, we came to bring the message of the Lord to them.
Me: Oh, those Catholics, they need it brought to them. I’m amazed that they haven’t heard about it before!
Carol: (in enthusiastic agreement) I know! They had shrines everywhere! We tried to stop them, but they din’t seem to understand what they were doing was devil-worship.
Me: (looking at Anna, who knows full well that I am building a shrine in the woods by my house) Stupid Catholics, always building shrines. I bet they were all to that Mary-lady.
Carol: (nods in sage agreement) They’re a very superstitious people.
Me: Totally.
Carol: They had a bush a priest would bless and they would pray to for good harvests.
Me: Who do they think they are, Moses?
(Anna’s face, by this point, is going through drastic contortions to keep from crying.)
Carol: They just didn’t seem to mind what they were doing. Every weekend there were parties for Saints…we tried to talk them out of it, but they would just say yes, yes, Jesus, and keep going.
Me: (I am stunned for a witty response, and run out of the room into the kitchen and start laughing. Carol is very old and a little deaf if that clears up why I got away with that conversation.)

And my all time favorite is from my ex-Catholic, now Pentecostal Korean friend, who tells me “If I follow the Lord, he will give me pretty wife.” My thoughts about this came in quick succession, and are as follows.
“Um, score?”
“Why are we not marketing our faith like this?”
“Christianity: Get Yourself Pretty Wife!”
“How pretty are we talking exactly? Like Grace Kelly? Or just Audrey Hepburn?”

Anyways, I guess this constitutes an excuse for a post.

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