The Atheist’s Self-Help Blog or How – With a Little Remodeling – You Can Prevent Your Views From Being Laughed At All The Time, Part I Being The Obtaining of Women

Get some girls. I understand the joy of having a Boy’s Club, I really do, but the lack of beauty at your conferences is seriously limiting. It might seem like a trifle, having women on your side, but you must realize – dear atheism – that the world will never go where women aren’t. Women are awesome. Think back to your high-school days, remember those invitations to parties or hang-outs or study groups, and remember the only thing on that really mattered: “Will there be any girls there?” This same question, when applied to atheism, has particularly damning – by which I mean negative – results.

“Hey! Come be an atheist!”
“Uh-”
“Do it, there’s no objective morality!”
“Oh, sweet! Are there any girls?”
“Well, there’s some.”
“Some?”
“Very few actually, but-”
“Wait, what’s the point of subjective morality if there aren’t enough girls to be subjective with?”
“Well it’s the princip-”
“Hey, look! Catholicism! Oh man, they have pretty girls.”

And so on. Now there was a time, not long ago, when atheists were proud of their lack of women. And why not? Biologically speaking, women are the ‘less-fit’ sex. Given that intelligence – like every other human characteristic – is simply a result of Darwin’s survival of the fittest, it made sense that women would not subscribe to the wisdom of atheism. They simply were not intelligent enough. This rational held firm with the great, atheistic, “All universal moral principles are idle fancies” philosopher; The Marquis de Sade. Of course, he was also responsible for the less than ad-campaign-worthy statement: “Woman’s destiny is to be wanton, like the bitch, the she-wolf; she must belong to all who claim her.”

What irony. When Darwin’s Law becomes the Moral Law women are treated far more harshly than any Leviticus passage could manage.

Now I know Ayn Rand would have agreed, certainly one Atheist Woman you like to keep under wraps (though whether Ayn Rand counts as an Atheist woman is a minor question compared to whether she’s a human) but regardless, and anyways, and to get back to the point, the whole “woman are dumb sex objects” idea just doesn’t quite fly these days. You and I know that. And if you don’t know that, just quote Sade to the next girl you find attractive. Let us know how you hold up.

I have some advice. Instead of belittling women, and otherwise lacking their presence, try opening doors for them (I know there are no moral imperatives, just think of it as a mating thing), tell them that they’re beautiful (I know beauty is a subjective, relative concept that doesn’t actually exist, but just pretend), and please, for the love all things holy – that means important – don’t pull a Richard Dawkins, what with his whole don’t-whine-about-creepy-atheist-men spiel. It’s embarrassing for men in general, never mind the atheist movement. You might even mention love (strictly within the understanding that love does not exist outside of chemicals in our brain and is ignorable as such). Just do something, for the love of G0d – that means pleeeaaase do something – because clearly the inherent truth of atheism isn’t truthy enough.

You are aware of the impression this gives those examining your cause, right? I’m a big believer in the theory that you can tell a lot about a woman by the contents of her purse, and a lot about everything else from Google. So it’s seriously disconcerting that upon googling ‘atheist women’ I get the following results: “16 Sexiest Female Atheists (With Pictures)”, “Sexy Atheist Women”, “Where Are All the Atheist Women?” “Where to Find Agnostic/Atheistic Women” “Meet Single Atheist Women” – with a special plea from ‘0rgasmD0nor’, (she especially would love to be met) – “How to Meet Atheist Women”, one – thank God, I was worried they didn’t care – list of actual female atheists who did something for atheism besides a sexy photo shoot, and at the bottom of it all, irony of ironies, lies an article in which atheists confront their “woman problem”. Yes, please confront your woman problem. Because you’re taking your cues from the Mormon church, spending a lot of time and money trying to look like this:

When in reality, you look like this:

And anyone searching for ‘atheist women’ comes back with the impression that atheism is a breeding ground for sexism, darwinian gender roles and a general lack of estrogen. So atheists, find your feminine side. And I don’t mean your feminine side, I mean atheism’s feminine side. Because right now, by all appearances, you can scarcely muster up a feminine handful, and you’ll need more than that to save Atheism from the patriarchal monster that is the Roman Catholic Church. Let me know how it goes.