5 Things No One Knows Are Ridiculously Catholic, But Should.

As Catholics, we try not to be smug. We really do. But the world makes this task exceedingly difficult when they take our stuff. The truth is that Western Civilization owes its very existence to the Catholic Church, what with the saving efforts of her monks during the Dark Ages, her development Scientific method, the University System, the agricultural advances of the monasteries and – of course – the wealth of art and literature the Church has inspired and produced. But I want to focus on a few things we never, ever get credit for.

1. The Super Evil F-The-Man Dark and Twisted Upside-Down Cross of Satan Who Is Scary

I mentioned this before. Look, the most evilest, baddest, worstest, church-burning statement a man can make!


A statement spearheaded by St. Peter who – being the first Pope and all – was of course just about as stick-it-to-the-Christian-sheep as you can get.


This is awkward.

2. Bob Freaking Marley

An inevitable conversation I have with my pothead friends:

“I love Bob Marley man. He was, like, all about freeing your soul. No judgement, just finding that inner peace, you know? Happiness, easy feelings-”
“-The Seven Sacraments-”
“-doing whatever feels right in you heart-”
“Which for Bob, was the adoration of The Real Presence of Jesus Christ in the Holy Eucharist.”
“And going to confession. And firmly believing and defending the fact of a Triune God.”
“…dude, I’m high, and you’re throwing out all these words at me…”
“Yes. Yes I am.”

Bob Marley died baptized into the Ethiopian Orthodox Church. Somehow, his t-shirts never seem to display the most important decision of his life. Perhaps they wouldn’t have quite the same ring to them.

No, wait, actually I like that way more.

Now granted, the Ethiopian Orthodox Church is not Roman Catholic – if anything it is stricter and even more full of Mary-loving, angels, Saints, relic veneration and all the rest. But they hold the Catholic sacraments, and are with The Church in most everything except apostolic succession. (And even then, it’s simply the lack of recognition of the Roman Pontiff.) The point is that this man converted away from Rastafarianism, with all it’s weeeeeeed maaaaan, and towards an orthodox faith. So when I see those shirts, I pray for the legend’s soul, and I ask him to pray for me, that I might spend eternity singing softly with him.

3.That Mask With The Beautifully Shaped Eyebrows!

The taking on of the ‘Guy Fawkes mask’ as the symbol for anarchy, and hence the symbol for the hacker group Anonymous, is funny. On the surface, I understand the connection. Guy Fawkes was a man who tried to blow up the English Parliament. Alright, that sounds pretty darn anti-government-yeah-freedom-wooh! But as soon as you move an inch deeper – oh, would the world move but an inch deeper – it gets ridiculous.

See, Fawkes did try to blow up the English Parliament in the infamous Gunpowder Plot of 1605. But he made this attempt for the purpose of reestablishing a Roman Catholic monarchy in England. He wasn’t an anarchist, he was a Catholic who didn’t pay attention in his moral principles class.

Thus, when I see Anonymous doing their thing, my immediate reaction is “wow, what radical, slightly frightening commitment to the Roman Pontiff, to his infallibility as sucessor of the Apostle Peter, and what complete confidence in the ability of the Roman Catholic Church to guide the politics of the world!” Then I correct myself.

4. Vampires.

Sexual tension. Furrowed brows. In. a. river.

It’s a sad state of affairs, that we have no idea what a vampire is. We went from possessed soul to sparkling Abercrombie model in the blink of an eye. Am I the only one who woke up a few years ago, shocked to find that while I was sleeping vampires had become misunderstood angst-balls of fluff?

The real vampire is essentially the anti-Eucharist. As my friend Eleanor Donlon, assistant executive editor for the ever-excellent Dappled Things, writes:

…In a dark mirroring of the [Eucharist], Dracula is a super-physical being in whom a supernatural power is lodged. The Eucharist is the ultimate transformative and life-giving agent (John 6:58); vampyres consume blood to perpetuate an undead eternity. The blood on the cross was given willingly (John 15:13); vampyre victims do not submit of their own volition. They are hypnotized, entranced, or otherwise reduced to an altered state of consciousness. Dracula as Satan is thus elaborately developed: engaging in an anti-sacrifice and an Anti-Eucharist, Dracula is the Apocalyptic Anti-Christ who comes to collect souls and set up an alternative eternity to that promised in the New Testament.

Now they’re sexy and unbearably boring. Reason #549,890 for the world to become Catholic – Twilight never would have happened.

5. Dranky-dranks.

If you’re still reading this, chances are you’re drunk as all hell. If this is the case, you should be thanking the Roman Catholic faith.

Red wine is a sacrament. The French Benedictine friars gave us champagne. Chartreuse is still made by the Carthusian monks. Jägermeister is under the patronage of Saint Hubertus and Saint Eustace. Buckfast Tonic Wine – known affectionately as ‘Wreck the Hoose Juice’ in Scotland – was made by Benedictines. Frangelico was originally created by a hermit and is shaped like a Franciscan. Good beer was brewed almost exclusively by monasteries up until the twelfth century. You’ve got the Crusades to thank for the fact that we aren’t under Islamic Prohibition. And Catholics were a great source of alcohol during the American Prohibition – we were allowed to keep our vineyards running for communion wine. Catholics bootleged like nobody’s business. (It was the general outrage of the Irish Catholics – who must have thought the Apocalypse upon them – that helped end Prohibition.) We have beer blessings. Catholic teaching has only ever asserted the goodness of the grape and the grain. As Hillare Belloc versed:

“Wherever the Catholic sun doth shine,
There’s always laughter and good red wine.
At least I’ve always found it so.
Benedicamus Domino!”

The Latin – and I have this on the strictest authority – means ‘”bottoms up!”

So there. 5 things. It appears to me – and I could certainly be wrong – that living Catholicism is just better, plain and simple. I plan on making a few more of these; if you have any suggestions, hit me up.

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  • Smwbmpfjm

    We also have some of the best feasts, I mean without Christianity, what do we have to do in December? Burn a yule log. yeah. That rocks.

    • Marc

      hahaha true dat

  • http://sociallysacred.blogspot.com David

    I’ve got another one for #5, right out of scripture:
    “Wine is very life to man if taken in moderation. Does he really live who lacks the wine which was created for his joy?”
    Sirach 31:27

    • Michelle

      Excellent quote!

  • Jay E.

    Haha, very good. Glad to see you mentioned the drinks. You could add mention of the Lord of the Rings. As Tolkien says, “the Lord of the Rings is of course a fundamentally religious and Catholic work; unconsciously so at first, but consciously so in the revision.” Of course.

    Have you read The Bad Catholics Guide to Wine, Whiskey, and Song by John Zmirak? It has extensive documentation of the influence the Church has had on the world’s best drinks. And it’s a hilarious read.

  • Mark Duggan

    Buy a Trappistes Rochefort. Say a prayer with the monks and don’t shoot the deputy. Friday night!

    • Eamonn Gaines

      If you’re buying Belgian beer, a good thing to look for is the “Authentic Trappist Product” stamp on the back of the bottle; that means you’re supporting actual trappists rather than just a brewery based in an ex-monastery.

      • Mark Duggan

        Right, Rochefort is one of the few, at L’abbaye Notre-Dame de Saint-Remy. Others are marketed as “abbey ale” because there are no monks involved. They have a lovely website, if you don’t mind the French!

  • Michelle Thuldanin

    This is fun!

  • The Ranter

    Re: Vampires. I’m reminded of a quote from the Liturgy of the Hours a couple of weeks ago: Death was not part of nature; it became part of nature. God did not decree death from the beginning; he prescribed it as a remedy. Human life was condemned because of sin to unremitting labor and unbearable sorrow and so began to experience the burden of wretchedness. There had to be a limit to its evils; death had to restore what life had forfeited. Without the assistance of grace, immortality is more of a burden than a blessing. (St. Ambrose)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1220821633 Terrye Newkirk

    Small quible: REVILE, not REVEILLE in the Marley pic. Otherwise, well done! :-)

    • Marcjohnpaul

      Don’t blame me, blame the Ethiopians! ( :

    • Erika E.

      Also, I before E, except after C : )

      • Brandelynmarie


        • http://emarkthomas.wordpress.com/ Ethan

          I know, it’s a weird society thing.

  • Hello

    “Why do Catholics Eat Fish on Friday: the Catholic Origin to just about everything” is a novel written by Michael Foley that explains the Catholic origins of everything from the word ‘avocado’ to the Mercedes automobile manufacturer. It’s an interesting and amusing read, like your post! :)

    • TheeElders

      Love that book! I’m always sharing it with students and their parents at our parish! :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/cshora Chris Hora

    I was not aware that Catholic vineyards were allowed to stay open during prohibition. Assuming that is the case, it only makes sense that some of the employees where making a few bucks on the side. For curiosity sake, are there any articles or resources you can provide which expound on this?

    Much appreciated.

    • Penny Farthing1893

      A lot of the old Zinfindel vines in California were re-discovered from old Spanish stock and small Catholic wineries, and Zin became very popular during Prohibition, when Catholics and Jews were allowed to make and distribute wine for religious purposes. They grow it in the Sonoma Valley mostly now. I learned this from season 2 of “James May’s Road Trip”, which sometimes shows on BBC America, and I looked it up and found this:


      (Old Moon is pretty tasty, by the way, and cheap)

      Apparently ZInfindel grapes were also popular for home winemaking, which was also allowed during Prohibition. It came back to popularity in the 1970s.

  • Fisherman

    I read Dracula this summer and I thought it was going to be really scary. In truth it was, but the terror was watered down every time Wilhelmina said something like, “Oh I pray to our Lord in Heaven that my Jonathan and Van Helsing can stop this Devil-spawned menace! Oh, how I wish I was born a man so that I might help their cause further, but alas I can only make them sandwiches…” And then Helsing would swag on in and be like, “lol Dracula I have some Eucharist: can’t touch this.”

    • Lily

      Um, actually Mena’s a total badass in that book who not only records all the conversations that everyone has as the vampire-hunting groups stenographer, but also risks her soul/mind trying to semi-get a fix on Dracula’s mind to pinpoint his location. I’m sorry she’s not some buxom broad who can karate chop a vampire whilst doing a spinning kick, but if you’ll notice, none of the characters except perhaps the Texan can be classified as action hero’s. Van Helsing is right; if you want to fight an evil force such as a vampire, which is essentially sustained by resentment and sin, the only thing to do is rely on God and the forces of good. Which is again why Mena is important, because she resists Dracula with her force of will. Even if she isn’t physically strong, she is a strong character, and that is all that matters.

  • Miss Doyle

    Best meditation ever given by a priest about the Wedding Feast at Cana:
    “If you don’t get anything else out of this, girls, remember; a party is very Catholic, wine is very Catholic, good food is very Catholic – it’s good to be a Catholic!”

    • Jmeakin4

      Consider that our Lord’s first public miracle was supplying booze to that party…

      • Miss Doyle

        I know! Who’d be a Presbyterian?
        Who throws the best parties? That would be us….

        • Wboden

          All Christians throw good parties! Looking forward to the wedding supper of the Lamb. Love a Presbyterian Christian

          • Mrargh

            @Wboden: Come on over to the Mass and you won’t have to wait ;)

  • Anonymous

    Marc, I believe the Ethiopian Orthodox Church–along with all the other Oriental Orthodox Churches–have Apostolic Succession, although they haven’t been in communion with Rome since the schism following the Council of Chalcedon.

    • Cmatt

      If they are Orthodox, then you are right. Besides, they would have to have Apostolic Succession in order to have all the valid sacraments.

    • Greg

      I was raised Russian Orthodox and the Apostolic succession is firmly in place, as Jared said. The faith remains almost parellel the Catholic churches, except for the supremacy of the Roman Pontiff. The Eastern Rite churches resemble the Orthodox churches in all EXCEPT their alligence to Rome.

  • Eamonn Gaines

    One strand of the Vampire legend is actually Romanian Orthodox in origin. The Vampire appears to live while it is actually dead – anyone spot the parallel with the person in mortal sin? That of course is what makes them so frightening…

    • Lily

      There is another legend about vampires dying (before they were vampires, I guess) and then rising again three days later as the undead. Pretty creepy paralellism. I have also heard legends wherin Judas became the first vampire.

      • Jack Heron

        Makes sense, though, doesn’t it? Jesus gives others His blood to drink so that they have eternal life. A vampire takes the blood of others to drink so that he might have eternal life. Kind of a mirror image (although given that vampires are supposed not to have reflections, that metaphor might need some revision).

  • Mrs.C

    Speaking of Guy Fawkes, I’ve heard the expression ” guy” was originally a derogatory term referring to Catholics. I have Catholic friends who won’t use the term “you guys” as a result. What do you know about this?

    • Lily

      Although your friend is well meaning, I don’t think we can (or should) police our every word. Language is a fluid thing, and sometimes, after everyone has forgotten the original derogatory meaning of a word, the word becomes a new word in and of itelf. For example, one could say that using the word “dumb” to mean stupid is derogatory towards people who cannot talk… except that no one who uses “dumb” to mean stupid is even thinking about the original meaning of the word. There are a great many words that have had (or are now gaining) bad connotations, but I think it’s time to stop forcing meanings onto words that no longer exist and allow language to evolve naturally.

      • Courtney

        Except the problem with this is that some words become meaningless when they are allowed to be used in a different context. Take the word marriage for example. It used to be defined as a partnership between a man and a woman in order to raise a family. Now it’s being changed to “two people who love each other”. Basically meaningless, as people love each other without getting married.

        • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_RS2NGO5O4VTWXTXB2H2Q6Z6TDM Sky

          Marriage is an important word though, as it represents a sacred and important thing, and has barely changed. I don’t think we need to be so careful with other less important words.

          • Ralph

            yea you get marriedto this great women then 2 yrs later she is the devilin disguise mewanner then a junkyard dog just plain bitchy where did my pretty women i married she is no more she is satin now marriage isnt sacred anymore it a lot of times its a lie my ex wif liars cheats e was liar cheater stealer thats one bitch that needs to go to hell and i can tell the devil to put her on the grill and burn her to a freakin crisp then fliup the fat bitch over an burn her some more and her and her famil y are catlickersnow i know stay away from cathlics there liars stealers theifs drunks look at the preist at weddings there about half loaded when thew service is over catholics are just plain hippocrits then there child molesters sickfreakin preist cut there nut sac off make it a law it needs done

    • Quid est veritas?

      “guy” in the sense you’re using it has a very fuzzy etymology, having sprung up in the mid 19th century. “Guy” (capitalized) refers in British English to the Guy Fawkes effigies. The name “Guy” is an anglicization of “Guido” meaning “guide”.
      I wouldn’t sweat it.

  • Arnar622

    This is retarded. Vampires predate Christianity. So does Marijuana and Alcohol.

    • Anonymous


    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_RS2NGO5O4VTWXTXB2H2Q6Z6TDM Sky

      This just in, the pope’s clothes cause children to starve.

    • James H

      So what does that comment have to do with the picture?

      I’ve often noticed the people whingeing about ‘how rich the Pope is’ seem to be the ones living a fat, comfortable little life.


    • Saint Philip

      Oh, you cranky bastard!

    • Dbcoopercatcher

      and stupidity.

  • Levi

    Something else you can add to this list: Christmas trees. St. Boniface used them as an evangelization and catechetical tool to help the Germany’s conversion.

    • Saaaamtv

      lmao Christmas trees were not ‘invented’ by Catholics, it is distinctly pagan you moron.

      • Alex G Mph

        Wow. Before resorting to insults (great debate tactic, by the way), please point to where Levi, or anyone on this list, said that Christmas trees were “invented” by Catholics? I see this: “St. Boniface used them as an evangelization and catechetical tool to help the Germany’s conversion.”

        Where is the word “invented”?


        • Tom B

          Sadly you’re ALL wrong, and let’s through in those who say they were invented by Martin Luther. “The custom of the Christmas tree developed in early modern Germany with predecessors that can be traced to the 16th and possibly the 15th century. ” the quote is from wiki. I know not a very authotitative source, but oh so handy, and in this case correct based on better but less handy sources. So long after St. Boniface and NOT PAGAN!!!!!!

      • CPE Gaebler

        there’s a process by which something pagan becomes Christian
        it’s called “conversion”
        look it up, it happened to a lot of things

  • Calah Alexander

    LOVE. Especially the Belloc quote. My child is going to be memorizing that forthwith.

  • http://sainteasy.blogspot.com Paige Deaner

    My husband says: Castlevania.

    Do what you wilt with that– I have no idea what it means…

    • http://www.facebook.com/benedictx Benedict James

      Castlevania is a popular video game series that has a long history, stretching back to the NES (Nintendo Entertainment System) in 1985.

      In the games, the Belmont clan fights all sorts of monsters in a castle, finally confronting its lord: Draucla (the final boss). It is said that every couple of years Dracula is resurrected and his castle is rebuilt and every generation a Belmont is sent to defeat him.

      The Belmonts use a whip (said to be blessed by the church) as a primary weapon to fight the monsters in Drac’s castle and they carry secondary weapons like Axes, Daggers and more scared stuff like The Bible, Holy Water and Crucifixes which have limited use but are more effective. For instance when Holy Water is thrown to the ground, it burns and damages enemies that walk into it and the Bible will circle around the Belmont for a while, protecting him before disappearing.

      It’s a pretty pro-catholic game.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Angelo-Ocampo/100000081911147 Angelo Ocampo

        Are the games in the Final Fantasy franchise pro-Catholic?

  • Guest

    You can add Santa Claus (also known as Saint Nicholas, duh!) and Oscar Wilde to the list.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1286801816 Isaac Drollman

    Go St. Hubert! I took him for Confirmation, since he’s also the patron Saint of hunting, and I was really getting into hunting at the time. I love the dude a lot, and as soon as my unwilling teetotaler years are over, I plan on buying some Jagermeister (Which in German literally means “hunting master”)

  • James H

    Another point few people seem to know: the gunpowder plotters thought that they should warn the Catholic Peers (members of the House of Lords) not to attend Parliament that day. The Peers went straight to King James and spilled all the beans they could.

    So, the world’s oldest parliament was saved from terrorism by Catholics! Go figure!

  • LMisht

    Oh yeah…. drunkenness, blood-drinking, terrorism… great. So thankful to the Catholic Church.

    • Marc

      ah, it means a lot! we’ll try and keep it up!

    • PC Geek

      1.) Beer is awesome and we are instructed not to be drunkards.
      2.) Vampires are fictional so wtf are you talking about here?
      3.) You may have noticed that Catholics stopped the terrorism, and also that the terrorist was acting contrary to Catholic belief?
      4.) You should be thankful…hopefully you will stop languishing in a-tardism.

    • http://twitter.com/torch621 Justin Jurek

      Do you mean “Aztecs”? 8)

  • Irenaeus Saintonge

    Didn’t Bob Marley eventually turn to Rastafarianism over Orthodoxy?

  • Thibaud

    Someone beat me to my favorite “”thing” no one knows is ridiculously Catholic, but should” : Oscar Wilde. He thought about becoming Catholic pretty much all his life and was finally received into the Catholic Church in his deathbed.

    Besides Wilde, I would add : “the science of genetics” invented by Father Gregor Mendel, an Augustinian monk and “the Big Bang theory” invented by Father Georges Lemaître. Yeah, the Church is soooooo anti-science.

    • CPE Gaebler

      Ah, but since the Big Bang is now used by philosophers such as William Lane Craig to support theism, we have to pretend there’s good reasons to think it isn’t true, don’cha know.

  • Philip Harold

    Another Catholic person: Classics legend Richmond Lattimore. The hospital priest walked in when he was on his deathbed and asked him if he was Catholic. He said “no.” Then the priest said, “Well, do you wanna be?” His eyes started tearing up and he replied, “No one’s ever asked me that before! Yes!” He translated the New Testament — that’s what did it. He say the impact on the very language that Christianity had. The Word becoming flesh…

  • Bdubs23

    Don’t forget “The Duke”! John Wayne was a converted Catholic!

  • using common sense

    Wow. That article was so ridiculous, inaccurate, and dishonest to real history my head actually hurts a little now. I’m not kidding. Ow.

    • PC Geek

      I am blown away by how well-reasoned your response is.

      Truly awe-inspiring!

    • OldWorldSwine

      Yeah, everyone was living in peace and harmony right before the Crusades! The Muslims were just on their way to bring a plate of cookies to the Pope!


  • Guest

    The Crusades were simply a series of wars fought to bring Christianity to holy lands around Jerusalem, at the time controlled by Muslims. Your statement implies that it was some how to stop expansion of the Islamic Empire which is what would have have had to happen to bring the mandate to Christian Europe, but the wars were not about that. It also implies that if the wars were about Islamic expansion then there would have been forced conversion to Islam which did not generally happen during this period of Islamic expansion. In fact, the Crusades happened at a time when Muslims, Jews and Christians all lived peacefully together on the Iberian Peninsula, what is now Spain and Portugal. Yes indeed the first crusade was to stop the Muslims from expanding into what is now Turkey because they had cut off access to Jerusalem not because they were trying to keep Christians from alcohol. So no we don’t really have any of the Crusades to thank for keeping us free from the Islamic mandate against fermented beverages (including that one where they sent children to do their dirty work).

    • Marc


    • PC Geek

      Sigh…historically ignorant a-tard…no surpise there.

      The 1st crusade was a political deal that had little to do with religion and most historians now consider that except maybe the 4th Crusade none of them religious at all – politics dressed in religion, sometimes, but that is it at most.

      When was the last time you read anything about history? I really wish that we could get some good atheists here who could discuss and debate well (‘iron sharpens iron’ and all that) but all I see are the ignorant and totally irrational a-tards. Smarter atheists would still be wrong but at least would put up a good fight.

      Try reading any modern history work and then see how much your ignorance about the crusades lasts. Maybe try the works of John Julius Norwich or Stephen Runcimen.

  • Hno3burns

    for number 5. actually the Latin word means “Let is bless the Lord”

    drink up would be “Bibamus!

  • Hno3burns

    I meant “Let us…bless the Lord”

  • LadyV


  • http://www.gadel.info/ GADEL

    Interesting :)

  • http://catholiconceagain.blogspot.com/ Amanda Borenstadt

    Awesome post! I learned a lot of stuff.

  • Justathought

    Doesn’t make the religion any less wrong and insane…

    • CPE Gaebler

      I agree; even though they use the Cross of Peter, Satanism is still wrong and insane.

      • http://twitter.com/torch621 Justin Jurek

        BUUURRRRNNNNN!!!! 8)

  • Jmsteve4

    Just saw a wanna-be gang wearing the Guy Fawkes masks. Had to look up this article and post it.

  • mtm

    “and are with The Church in most everything except apostolic succession. (And even then, it’s simply the lack of recognition of the Roman Pontiff.)”

    Jared is right about this comment–apostolic succession is not the lack of recognition of the Roman Pontiff. The Orthodox generally have apostolic succession, but they do not recognize the Pope’s teaching authority.

    The Anglican Church, in contrast, does not have apostolic succession (and they do not recognize the Pope’s teaching authority).

    The difference between the two is very significant. Orthodox sacraments are valid, while Anglican sacraments are not.

    • Pitch

      Sorry, Anglicans do have apostolic succession. And they do not entirely reject the authority of the pope, but they see it as more limited (I.e., to his own diocese, like any other bishop).

      • Gail Finke

        No they don’t. Per Leo XIII, who had a commission look into it and determined that, as Anglicans no longer meant the same things the Catholic Church does by the Sacraments, their ordination is not valid. You need to have proper form (do the right stuff) proper words (say the right stuff) and proper matter (use the right stuff) for a Sacrament to be valid, AND you have to mean what the Church means, or at least intend what the Church means even if you don’t know it (the way a non-Christian can baptise — as long as he/she uses water and says the right words and uses the right gestures, meaning to baptise someone for the Church, then anyone can baptise). But if you mean something different, the sacrament is not valid. So Apostolic succession is lost. As to the second part of your statement, that is the same thing as rejecting the authority of the pope, because part of the authority of the pope is that it extends outside his See.

      • Billy Bean

        That sounds like the Eastern Orthodox, in a way: they acknowledge the “primacy” of the Bishop of Rome. They just don’t want it to have any teeth.

  • Joseacosta550

    Suggestions: Halloween (All Souls Day), and Ghosts (Souls in Purgatory)

  • Don

    “If you’re still reading this, chances are you’re drunk as all hell. ”

    Get out of my head, man.

  • Mloustalot1

    I hope this has not been already stated (I didn’t read through all 71 comments to find out) but your Bob Marley graphic has a misspelling, or more correctly a misuse. . either that, or “reveille” has an additional meaning to the one I’m familiar with. .

  • Dayton Landry

    “oh, would the world move but an inch deeper” <– Gold!

  • Sooz

    Love it!

  • Susan

    You. Are. AWESOME.

  • Sunjinjo

    OK, the Twilight thing is a very good argument ;) I like your style.
    Benedicamus Domino means “let us bless the Lord”, btw. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benedicamus_Domino I also Google translated it in case Wiki was wrong. ^^

  • http://everythingtosomeone.blogspot.com/ Christie

    I am facebook sharing the heck out of this.

  • Kilmrnock

    Exuse me , more terror and conquering was done in the name of the Catholic Church than any other religion in human history . The nasty habit of the churches way or the hiway has destroyed more native faiths, religions than any other . Including mine , which we are putting back together .Celtic and European paganism .The Catholic Church almost single handedly , aided by the disieses, smallpox, measles etc they brought to the new world , wiped out Central and South American societies . the Inca and Aztecs to name but a few. Not to even mention the havoc reaked on Western Europe by the Romans and their Government sactioned church, Catholic .The Missionaries did almost as much damage as the Romans did . Kilm

    • joaqo


    • Seanipie

      And you probably wouldn’t have been born if they didn’t do what they did. Enough of your headupmybuttitis, relax a little, you confuse Catholics with Communists – who did more damage in less than a century than the “big bad” Catholic Church ever could have.

    • http://taraseguinwrites.wordpress.com/ Tara Seguin

      Wait, I almost missed that. Are Western Europeans the victims now? That’s fantastic! I’m going to throw another St Patty’s day party. Oh wait.

    • Guest

      Okay, but I just, I gotta. The Europeans who came to the New World were not well-versed in germ theory. Pizzaro had literally *no idea* that his stupid livestock was going to set off a chain of disease that would kill millions of Northern, Southern, and Central Americans. Were there some terrible people who rubbed germs on blankets after they figured this out? You bet there were – but those were bad people, not the philosophical embodiment of a religion that preaches one thing, but apparently all its followers secretly know that it wants them to do the exact opposite.

      Simply, there are bad stupid people in the world because there are *bad stupid people*. That is it. The Church isn’t an employer or a government that can be toppled. It continues to exist because of the personal convictions of hundreds of millions of people.

      Looking at the damage done to the aboriginal cultures of the Americas, the people within the Catholic Church have a great deal to answer for. A very great deal. But the people in the Church were not the sole force of damage. As far as North America goes, it was the legal systems of the Protestant nations that dealt the crippling blows. And as for Central and South America, by and large the Europeans stepped into the shoes of a pre-existing near-totalitarian hierarchy. This is not to shift blame, but to illustrate the complexity of human life. The truth resists simplicity.

    • http://twitter.com/torch621 Justin Jurek

      You mean Wicca? Which is just under 50 years old and was invented by an old hippy with a robe and a magic wand pretty much? Actually, that’s just witchcraft, nothing more, nothing less.

    • http://twitter.com/torch621 Justin Jurek

      Oh, and I should also add that those Central American groups you love so much honestly believed their gods wanted them to wage war on their neighbors so they could cut their chests open and rip out their still beating hearts as an offering. I think the Spanish did them a favor.

  • Kilmrnock

    And just for the record , Alcohol has been around alot longer than the church, along with it’s delateroius effects .

    • Dbcoopercatcher

      he used the word ‘delateroius’

    • http://twitter.com/torch621 Justin Jurek

      But if it wasn’t for us, we’d all be under Muslims, and not allowed to have any at all, so you’re welcome. ^___^

  • Kilmrnock

    Santa Claus is more a pagan figure , taken from the Xmas carole …………..remember the spirit of Xmas present w/ all his goodies , more a holly/oak king pagan figure , as is the Yule tree , holly and mistletoe . All the trappings of Christmas are pagan , lads

    • Bronxliam

      Wow. Amazing your lack of historical accuracy. But thanks for using Xmas–which, of course, is a wonderful abbreviation using the Greek first letter of Christ. Yet another sad result of abandoning the faith of your fathers, Kilmarnock–you’re no longer connected to your history and therefore make foolish statements based in prejudice rather than historical fact.

    • Dburnette10

      So, when exactly was A Christmas Carol written??? Cause I don’t think it’s that old. And besides, we all know you still want your stocking filled.

  • sheilakay57

    “I would like a great lake of beer for the King of Kings. I would like to be watching Heaven’s family drinking it through all eternity.”

    ~ St. Brigid of Ireland

  • Me

    You are an idiot!

  • Billy Bean

    I am ridiculously drunk (took me awhile to spell that right), but I want to point out that the Eastern Orthodox (and, I assume, the Ethiopian Orthodox) believe in apostolic succession, and maintain it — except for the obvious and major break with the Bishop of Rome. My wife is a huge Twilight fan, but I never “got” it (having been a Hammer Productions aficionado from my youth). And as for Guy Fawkes being a consequentialist– well, did he ever water-board anyone?

  • Theidler

    YES YES YES – hilarious article friend. I am proud to have a link to this on my own blog.

  • Anon

    “If you’re still reading this, chances are you’re drunk as all hell.”
    *thumb up*

  • http://profiles.google.com/marc.k.mielke Marc Mielke

    Just a friendly atheist stopping by: In fact your number (5) is almost completely on the money; according to the book “Last Call” a lot of the political weight behind the prohibition movement was from the KKK and similar anti-immigrant movements, which at the time were vociferously anti-catholic.

    And yeah, you guys do great work with the Benedictine and the Abbey Ale!

  • OrthodoxNorthwest editor

    I really appreciate the quote, if it is accurate, from Bob Marley-Memory Eternal. However, I am wondering where is the original source of the quote? Also, I think it should state revile and not reveille.

    Wishing you and all your readers the best.


  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=706854444 Teri Jo

    I will assume this is all a very bad joke.

  • mike

    Just because a person is catholic or a theme is updated by a church member I don’t see how that can be credited to the religion. Booze was around long before the church, so were the undead.

    But as for the crusades, hey, maybe we wouldn’t have booze (which to me is clearly a mixed blessing and I’m far happier now that I don’t partake of it), but we’d be enjoying some nice opiates:)

    Even most academics admit that europe was ‘the third world’, and most written arabic accounts state that Islam had no desire to spread any further than it did, because europe was too darned cold and there was nothing there of value-most of it had been already pillaged by the vikings and brought into muslim lands anyway.

  • mike

    And oh yeah, Marley was a poser-it was Peter Tosh who wrote all the really good music anyway…and he was rasta to the bone!

  • Mahndisa

    The Ethiopian Tewahedo Church has some doctrinal differences aside from different view of apostolic succession. They have the broadest cannon for their Bible in all of Christiandom and have a non chaldecean interpretation of the nature of Christ which differs from those in the West.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=701653693 Amy Lee


  • Marie

    “Beat” as in the beat generation or beatniks, comes from the beatitudes — Catholic-raised Jack Kerouac.

    Not sure everyone knows why Peter has an upside down cross so thought I’d mention it’s because he was crucified upside down. I saw an anti-Catholic site once site as proof of the evil of the papacy a picture of John Paul II with an upside down cross behind him. May have been Jack Chic or some such.