7 Quick Takes Friday: 7 Things NOT to Say or Do to Your Pregnant Wife

I love Fridays! I love Conversion Diary, I love 7 Quick Takes, I love the fact that my kids are napping, and I love that we’re going out to dinner tonight (a monumental occasion). So in honor of all that love, and because I’m just in a particularly jocular mood, today’s post is for the men. Here are seven things to never say or do to your pregnant wife. I know you should never say or do these things because my husband has said or done (nearly) all of them to me, and trust me, they aren’t pleasant to a hormonal, expansive woman who is more likely than not shoving ice cream in her face. Avoiding these phrases and actions will ensure that your wife, too, still loves you at the end of these nine long months. I can’t guarantee love through the delivery process, though. Sorry guys. I’m not a magician.

“See you later, Stay Puft.”

I got this one this morning. I’ve never been nine months pregnant in August before, and I was commenting (well, okay, whining) about how I miss the sight of my ankle bones and I feel like the marshmallow man as I was putting on a swimsuit. (Sidenote: Never, never make a comment when a woman is putting on a swimsuit. It’s just safer to stay silent.) Anyhow, my clever husband thought that would be the perfect send-off as he left for work.

It wasn’t.

“Are you going to eat all of that?”

Yes. The answer is yes. Don’t ask.

“What’s for dinner?”

Let me clarify this one. It’s perfectly all right, in my opinion, to ask your wife what’s for dinner when she’s pregnant, especially if she’s the type of wife (like me) who rules the kitchen like it’s a poorly behaved communist nation. It’s not all right, however, to ask your wife what’s for dinner while she’s timing contractions and debating whether or not it’s too early to call the midwife. At that point, you should probably be fending for yourselves, guys.

“You’re almost as wide as you are tall!”

Don’t measure her belly. Seriously, don’t. It may be sort of a cute thing to do in her first pregnancy, but the laughs go downhill fast with babies 2, 3, and so on. Also, if you happen to measure your 5 foot tall wife in her first pregnancy and find that she’s 4 feet around, please don’t ever, ever repeat that. Because, like my husband, you’ll get punched. And the “beach ball” jokes aren’t that funny after a while.

“I’m a guy. I don’t paint toenails.”

Seriously? That is still my reaction to my husband. In all three of my pregnancies I’ve hit the “can’t reach my feet” mark right at about 7 months, and in all three he’s refused to man up and paint my freaking toenails. Guys, come on! Your wife is growing your progeny, your legacy, your future here! Paint her damn toenails!

“Look, this one’s the deepest.”

When your wife is in labor, it’s not a good idea to stand at the foot of the hospital bed with your brother and have a contest to see who can put the biggest dent in her very, very swollen ankles. Even if she’s had an epidural and can’t feel it. It’s just not funny.

“It’s not the dress that makes you look fat, it’s your butt that makes you look fat!”

Credit for this one actually goes to my wonderful father, who said this to my mom in a seriously, seriously misguided attempt to make her laugh.

He failed.

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  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/18160222531871459182 andrea

    Hilarious–at least to this woman. We'll see how my husband takes your (very apt!) advice.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15778596300503008018 J M Yaceczko

    awesomeness! I'll be sharing this (as I have most of the others) with my husband and various siblings. :) Thanks for the laughs, Calah!!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08075072259006322851 Owner of Homeschool Faith and Family Life Website

    I am near tears with laughter here…firstly because your writing style is delightful…secondly because I personally relate to almost every one of these comments or actions!!! (I must say though, that it is usually my KIDS and not my husband…or God-forbid, my brother in law…UGH…) who put the dents in my ankles…they DO try to make complete smiley faces before the first holes bounce back out though!God bless you with a safe and joyful delivery!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05117120475033380036 Emily G.

    Hi! I just wanted to leave a comment since I started following you…I found you through Conversion Diary with your QT link. I love your sense of humour. Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy and birth!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04444704944288002925 The Ranter

    My husband actually did paint my toenails for our two babies. He started actually getting good at it!

  • Seanda

    Ha! Fantastic! I'm loving it!

  • Jennifer Fritz

    I had 5 kids in 8 years..I can so relate!! I survived, you will too! God be with you in these final days of your pregnancy. I’ll pray for you and yours.