Where There is a Flame

I know that there are many couples who have wonderful marriages that are peaceful and joyful, with few disagreements and lots of harmony.

My marriage is not like that — it never has been. It is tempestuous and painful and passionate and exhilarating, and I’m coming to realize that I love it that way.

I love my husband, and he loves me, but we’re both hard-headed, strong-willed, intense, and a little bit crazy. And we are all of those things about each other more than anything or anyone else. Sure, sometimes I wish we fought less. But we learn through fighting. We learn to love better and, more, we learn how desperately we want each other — how desperately we need each other.

I’ve mentioned before the Ogre’s penchant for sending me songs and videos, and he recently showed me this one.

(Trigger warning: this video contains stylized depictions of domestic violence.):

The video may be shocking or even appalling to some. I find it compelling. The constant struggle I’ve faced in my own marriage between loving selflessly and loving the self is so clearly portrayed that it’s breathtaking. It’s a dance of terrible, terrible beauty.

I’m not sharing this because I think it’s cool for spouses to beat the crap out of each other — it’s not. And the tempestuous nature of my marriage does NOT include any kind of physical violence. But this is a dance that they’re doing and so conveys the unity of a married couple, but it’s also beautifully choreographed to show the pain that so often accompanies love.

I’m slowly starting to realize that there can be as much beauty in the storm as there is in the calm.

(If context helps, Pink’s new album is called The Truth about Love and loosely chronicles the aftermath of her breakup with her husband, and their eventual reunion. You can watch the hilarious video below if you want to see her husband being a super good sport in her video for So What, the song she wrote after they broke up. Language and content warning, though, because Pink.)