Name that Job Performer! Part One

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Scott Adams is a very talented cartoonist who gives us Dilbert day after day. He has a pleasant wacky and wry sense of humor. And now he has offered us— Name that Job Performer! This email will give you the long list, and we’ll save the top ten for tomorrow.

Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student

Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant

Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn’t say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer

Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why I’m smarter than they are while complaining how it’s a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major

Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager

Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant

Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher

Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage

Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don’t need: Corporate Software Engineer

Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys

Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant

Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director

Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer

Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor

Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst

Tell forty year-old men it’s okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator

Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant

Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester

Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot

Persuade kids that it’s really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor

Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design

Teach kids to be evil…or so they say: Video Game Creator

Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard

Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot

Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician

Go to strange people’s houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy

Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant

Tell people that they can’t spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst

Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician

Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter

Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer

Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector

Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector

Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security

Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist

Try not to kill the baby: Housewife

Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer

Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three

Run away and call the police: Security Guard

Copy and paste the Internet: Student


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