Doctors Confirm That Pastor Carl Lentz is Missing His Spine

carllentzNew York, NY – Hillsong Church Pastor Carl Lentz sought professional help in response to the heavy backlash from refusing to acknowledge that abortion is a sin on his recent appearance on ABC’s The View. After frantically visiting medical professionals all over New York state, doctors have confirmed what many feared: Carl Lentz is indeed without a spine

The debilitating condition, medically referred to as “Recreantius”, has been spreading like wildfire through Western Christianity in recent decades. Symptoms typically render the sufferer unable to answer simple questions, cause them to exhibit forms of double-speak, a lack of discernment, and is often accompanied with a yellow rash on the stomach.

“I suspected his condition for some time,” stated renowned Recreantius specialist Doctor Nick Riveria. “But his appearance on The View confirmed all my fears. This man is utterly spineless.”

Shortly after receiving his diagnosis, Pastor Lentz released the following public statement: “I should have known something was wrong when the entire Christian-hating, pro-choice panel applauded my response. My words were meaningless, unhelpful, and barely a coherent thought. If I am ever back on national television, I will totes make sure to ‘Own The Moment’, if you know what I mean.”

After his statement, he sashayed away from the podium, whistling the melody from the popular tune Say My Name by Destiny’s Child.

Unsurprisingly, since appearing on The View, sales of Pastor Lentz’s book Own The Moment have sky-rocketed. It seems the general public was relieved to hear that abortions are not sinful, as long as one is living true their conscience.

“Watching The View that day was the best decision I ever made” commented one giddy fan, who wished to remain nameless. “I was on the fence about having an abortion, but his interview really made me feel at ease about the whole thing. The deed is done and my conscience is clear on the matter. Thanks, Pastor Lentz!”

The most effective treatment for Receanitus, or “spinelessness”, is for Christians to engage in intense prayer for Pastor Lentz. Without repentance and forgiveness from God, he is sure to make the same mistake again.

 

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  • DoubtingTom

    This is like an off-brand Babylon Bee, except more mean-spirited and not nearly as funny.

  • Salvatore Anthony Luiso
  • Then again, maybe there’s no inherent problem with abortion, and Christians are making it worse by standing in the way of comprehensive sex education in public schools (which creates more unwanted pregnancies) and putting obstacles in the way of abortion (which makes them later than they would be otherwise).

  • Roger Morris

    Next time why not write an article about how you as the author recently sought medical help and discovered you have that syndrome characterized by unwarranted certainty, lack of nuance, judgmental righteous indignation, perpetual outragement and “Saved By The Bell” quality comedy writing? What was it called again – ECS (Evangelical Christian Syndrome)?

    • CruisingTroll

      Ya know Roger, Jeremiah tended to get the same sort of responses as you’ve written….

  • JRene

    So, True Christians are pro-life only? Stop.

  • cyndyt