Breaking News: ‘Accidental Racist’ Fixes Racism!

After a tumultuous 394-year history, the volatile racial tension caused by cultural misunderstandings (slavery), social stigma (slavery), and politics (slavery) is over. African-American ambassador LL Cool J and the white cultural attaché, Brad Paisley, signed the cultural armistice after lengthy deliberation on the two groups’ historic conflicts of interest (slavery). “The relationship between the Mason-Dixon needs some fixin,” commented Cool J before the summit. The release of their joint song “Accidental Racism” is the result. Being hailed as a major collaborative effort triumphing over the historic tension between races in America (slavery). The song has been set up below for your enlightenment.

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[Read the full text, which makes ”We Are the World” look intolerant, here.]

On the other side of racism in America, Americans no longer need to worry about offending other races and cultures with their own cultural heritage.

“We just wanted to get it all out there, ya know? To tell the world ‘white is alright’ and ‘black isn’t whack’.” Said Paisley, probably.

Ladies love racial equality. Cool James, the radical rapping reformer.

Since the song, the first ever to feature a white artist and a black artist engaging in “real talk” about race and culture, white families have walked freely through East St. Louis neighborhoods and groups of African-American teenagers have flocked to small, southern eateries on the outskirts of towns like Biloxi, Mississippi.

“Seriously though, the Jefferson Davis Museum is AWESOME.”

“The catfish here is fabulous. I’m so glad racism is over and my friends and I can eat here!” said possibly facetious Atlanta teen Jamal Brown.

This monumental achievement of human dignity and communication has sent ripples through academia as well. Professor and cultural critic Cornel West is in the process of redoing his entire African-American studies curriculum at Yale.

 “Mr. Paisley has opened my eyes to the profound realities of the uncomfortable socio-cultural position of white Southerners in relation to their societal dilemma of identity.” We assume Dr. West would have added, if we had actually talked to him, “The words ‘Our generation didn’t start this nation/ And we’re still paying for the mistakes/ That a bunch of folks made long before we came/And caught between southern pride and southern blame’ are Tennysonian. Bringing together the honesty of Southern life and the frustration of misunderstanding. Well I, for one, now understand.”

All over the country, gentrified neighborhoods are moving from awkward cohabitation to tight knit community. Lance Harper, a fictional Baltimore based graphic designer, was impressed with Cool J’s comprehensive understanding of white culture:

“When J talked about General Sherman, I was sold. I really like history and so does he! And he talked about Django…Tarantino is absolutely one of my favorite directors, like, after Tarkovsky and Bergman of course.”

And on a personal note, “Accidental Racism” has changed my life. My internal journey from privileged and ignorant to tolerant and accepting was a five minute, forty-two second existential resurrection. I spent most of my writing career completely unaware of race. Even after the Huffington Post spent upwards of 700 words telling me that I am blind to my white privilege, I never truly thought just watching Parenthood and exploring alternative political ideas could be so racist. I’m glad that Paisley and LL Cool J have shown me that I really was just an accidental racist, like them. And I am certainly glad that, as a Christian, I don’t have to work through the theological concepts of unity and grace. My church went from two black members out of 190 to a 50/50 split overnight! I thought the racial unification of the Church would take decades!

I was under the impression that living as a racially unified society—especially after our rocky history (slavery)—would take generations of humility, repentance, and courageously loving dialogue. But it’s a new world! We are done with, as Paisley prophetically says, “fightin’ over yesterday,” back when people would kidnap and sell other people, torture them, ban literacy, and force them, their children, and grandchildren to do endless gruesome manual labor jobs without pay for their entire lives.

Now, thanks to LL Cool J and Brad Paisley, we can move on to more important things, like immigration reform…

About Nick Rynerson

Nick Rynerson lives in Normal, Illinois (no, seriously). In his free time, He writes, attempts to play mandolin, reads and hangs out with his groovy wife. Nick has a soft spot for any song with a banjo and thinks Bruce Campbell is the best actor on earth. However, he is a terrible golfer and has particular distaste internet controversy . Nick is passionate about the Church, (lower case) orthodoxy and whatever he's been reading about recently.

Follow Nick on Twitter: @Nick_Rynerson
or at his website: nickrynerson.com


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